Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 12, 2014, at 10:34:49
In reply to Re: It hurts so much » Dinah Seeks Support, posted by SLS on March 12, 2014, at 7:08:54
Thanks, Scott. That's actually how I feel about it. That it is like losing a parent - maybe worse, depending on the parent.
Losing a parent by having them just disappear, in a way that seems to be uncaring and a way that's mysterious, is even worse tho.
I got a call from the referral therapist, and I think there's a chance I could find out more. Just finding out that it was truly beyond his control to do what he did to me would help a lot. But I suppose that's not necessarily what I'll find.
At least he's not dying. Even though dying would definitely be something beyond his control. I guess I would rather have him reject me than die. That's a bit of a relief, really, to recognize that there are limits to my selfishness.
I wish I had a somewhat stronger therapist-mommy. But perhaps one like that might not have suited me so well. I always did think his finest quality was his ability to bend. To recognize that he might be wrong, and that adjustments might need to be made. To explore what being on the other side of the couch can mean at least for some people. His very humanity made therapy work in a way it likely wouldn't have with a perfect therapist. I would hurt myself bouncing off their armor of perfect professionalism and run off long ago. The first time in therapy that I had any feeling of safety whatsoever is when he yelled at me for the first time. Well, maybe not yelled. Exclaimed. "I just can't deal with dependent women!" I realized that what I was sensing was real, and that he would admit it but keep trying anyway. That he would be honest with me. That was likely the true start of our therapy and certainly representative of what kept me fighting to relationship with him when it would have been easier to just revert to being a suburban hermit.
I wish I truly did have enough confidence in our relationship to believe he would go out of his way not to hurt me. At least during Katrina, he told me on the phone, and let me cry and argue.
But I don't think it's in my nature to be that trusting in anyone's caring. Not even after twenty years of usually proving it, even with the occasional spectacular failure.
Let's see. My father gave up a profession he loved for one he hated and stayed with my mother for my sake (not that he ever ever said that). I may feel guilty for ruining his life, but there's no doubt of his love for me. Probably my husband, who has stuck to me through thick and thin. I usually am not even sure he likes me or approves of me. But I can trust him not to reject me despite my flaws. And maybe some of my dogs - by no means all. Other than that, there's a very thin layer covering massive fears and expectations of rejection.
There are very few excuses for what he's done that would not hurt me to the bone and shake my faith in my ability to be worthy of love. I had mentally come to one that seemed to fit the facts and circumstances. Although I easily lose faith in it and start obsessive and fruitlessly repetitive google searches to try to find out what's wrong. As I did half of last night. Whatever happened to lack of privacy in the digital age?
I hope whatever I find out is at least as good as my hopeful conclusion. And that it's not just a lure to draw me into therapy so that I can process this loss, while leaving the why's to every single person involved in the therapy profession (outside his clients) who takes the effort to find out.
I think I'm better processing it here, where so many know my history with him. It was enormously helpful to have this put in context with the overall pattern of our relationship. In other words, it's not necessarily that he doesn't care. It's just that he totally loses his head under stress. Whenever he's hurt me or done things that make me disapprove of him, it's been under times of extreme pressure.
I can feel pity for that, I suppose, to mix with the hurt.
Although it would have been damn nice for him to lose his head a bit more personally.
poster:Dinah Seeks Support
thread:1062006
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20140310/msgs/1062344.html