Posted by alexandra_k on January 24, 2014, at 21:39:54
In reply to Re: Attachment Theory? » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on January 24, 2014, at 15:48:29
Perhaps. But then... I didn't really take much pleasure in... Eye contact. And even a brief moment of emotional resonance in therapy was... Excruciating for me, somehow. Very intense. Would leave me exhausted and... Reeling... For days. Not pleasurable for me. Felt like exposure therapy more than anything else.
I suppose it is possible that it is a learned aversion, though. I certainly have become a lot more sensitive to things since I quit smoking. Smells. Tastes. And the gym... Part of learning to move... Part of my rehab... Has been about learning to feel. To take pleasure in the fast movement (and moment of weightlessness) in Olympic Weightlifting. I love spinning with weights as a counterbalance... And swinging from the pull up bars... Jumping... I wish I could back flip but I'm a bit scared... Headstand / handstand... The feeling of being upsidedown... Standing on one foot, even. And balancing about on a gym ball...
I think there was an element of the dx being... helpful... with respect to assistance for housing etc. To start with I thought that was all there was to it, really. But over time I've started to think...
They do seem genuinely interested in me in some respects... As a case of a female on the spectrum -- because current thought is that females are being under-diagnosed because they present differently. And also... I think one of the things they are giving me / trying to give me... Is access to a strong, capable, ... I don't quite know what to say... Support system. Consumer advocacy. Because the thing is... A lot of people are campaigning for 'different' rather than 'deficient' or 'broken' or whatever. The idea that... Perhaps there really isn't anything wrong with me. It is just that I'm a really bad fit for certain environments (e.g., ones containing gregarious, loud, jostly, people who are mostly focused on people connection). I... Simply can't function in that kind of environment. But then... They simply couldn't function in the kind of environment that is ideal for me.
Not better.. Not worse.. Just... Different. Different ways of being. Diversity. It's a good thing. We don't know how the environment will shift or...
This is...
It is some kind of peace for me. Resolution. Actually. This was... This was where my thesis was going, actually. But this just sort of happened to me... I don't actually feel that I have anything to contribute to hte field at present. But... Well... Wittgenstein said that philospophy was a form of therapy... And I think... It has helped me come to peace.
So... The resonance thing... I think the resonance is a form of intimacy / connection. And a sensitive parent / therapist is sensitive to when connection is needed and when distance is needed. Sometimes connection is soothing... Sometimes connection is arousing... How is it different? What is different about a soothing vs arousing connnection? Calming vs startling? Exciting vs calming? Some people love the exhiliration of roller coasters... Other people feel very sick... Others are very frightened...
In the gym... When things feel hard... Some people back away from it. Some are actively frightened of it. Other people grit their teeth resolve their faces and throw themselves in full force.
I think you can learn to be a bit different... How our parents react to things affects how we react as children... Whether we are bold to take risks or whether we huddle in the corner fussing... Whether we like the roller coaster or feel scared... But then certain other things just don't feel right... Like someone touching us some place when we'd really rather they didn't... No matter how much they say we like it... I... Feel a bit like that about eye contact sometimes. When people search into my eyes... I feel like they are physically groping me.
People feel differently about this... Some people say that it is just looking with eyes... But It is so much more to me than that...
Some things are a bit plastic... Some cultures kiss strangers on the cheeks as greeting -- ain't nothing to it... Some people feel very uncomfortable hugging uncle so and so... Maaori greet by touching noses and -- inhaling each others breath. their life force. Most non-maaori don't do it properly - so it isn't expected... I get it... But I won't. I... Can't. For me... That is extremely intimate / personal. I think it is because I'm hyper-sensitive to things... Very easily overwhelmed.
I don't know.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1058503
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20131211/msgs/1059450.html