Posted by alexandra_k on August 24, 2013, at 21:04:11
In reply to making things worse, posted by alexandra_k on August 24, 2013, at 18:50:29
maybe i'm wrong...
but i thought medicine or perhaps science research would offer me more structure.
i'm actually calmest and most centered in a busy environment where i've had some motor skill practice for the task. can find my flow. e.g., (this will sound strange) i enjoyed the group-flow of hospitality when things got super-busy and how so many people could skillfully dance around each other in tiny back of house spaces to get tasks done.
not entirely sure why i imagined emergency medicine to be something like that... and that perhaps i could be good at it. could enjoy it. could (mostly) walk away and collapse with exhaustion happy for a job well done.
philosophy requires the extreme of independence. and i get lost. i do appreciate the freedom to pursue anything i want (insofar as i can appreciate something i've actually got). but... i think i perform better with more structure. more focused externally provided deadlines. more regular positive reinforcements that i'm making progress. positive reinforcement. for something. anything. they are too few and far between.
i guess the idea used to be to take a year or two out to collapse. that this was the fastest way. take a year or two out to do the work. i guess the idea is that there is a fixed amount of work that needs to be done to repair the self. whether one spread it out over 10 years or condensed it into 1-2 was more about logistics.
but i'm not so sure. that doesn't work with physical training... i'm not sure what reason we have to believe it to be true of training the mind to respond differently to pressures... or... whatever it is doing that isn't good for us...
i don't think the goal is for me to get lost in / become that little part. to get lost in / become it and then have it grow up. i think that would be unnecessarily painful / disruptive. i suspect the idea is for the transitions to be smoother and less extreme... little hints of vulnerability and then seeing that disappointments can be tolerated. intimacy comes in degrees. of course. that is how it is supposed to be. and i suppose it is for life. because part of it is figuring out who can be trusted with what aspects of that at what time. learning to take measured, appropriate risks, such that disappointments can be tolerated.
or something.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1049633
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20130807/msgs/1049639.html