Posted by Deneb on February 3, 2013, at 1:22:44
In reply to falling in love with someone online, posted by Dr. Bob on February 2, 2013, at 22:03:31
> Hi, everyone,
>
> Got a call the other day from someone who wanted to interview me. Curious what you all think.
>
> 1) What makes people abandon rational thinking - i.e. falling in love with someone they've never met or seen in person; giving money to someone they've never met?
> 2) Is it desperation to believe? What makes them emotionally vulnerable?
> 3) Why do people fall prey to dating scammers?
> 4) What do people need to look for in themselves so they don't fall prey to dating scammers?
>
> BobHmmmm, well I don't have much actual experience of falling in love online (besides with you lol, I mean normally speaking lol) and I don't really know anyone who has fallen for a dating scam, but I think it might have to do with projection or transference or something.
People will tend to see what they want to see with someone online because there are a lot of non verbal signals that are missed. I think many will just fill in the blanks and come up with a very idealized version of the person. This can lead some people to drop their guards. Some scam artists are very cunning and know how to look for the right type of person who would fall for it.
I think they would target someone who doesn't get much attention in real life, maybe someone with not much self esteem.
Sooo, to answer your questions to the best of my ability (based on just my own understanding),
1.) I think people abandon rational thinking through infatuation. The rush, the actual physiological changes during this "head over heels" period will lead some people to see no wrong in a person. Doubts they would have in a normal situation are explained away by any means. The feelings of infatuation feel good so they want to continue it.
2.) I don't think it is desperation to believe, I believe it is something that can happen to some people who are very young or just not experienced in the world. They may be very trusting or have idealistic about love.
3.) I think people fall prey to dating scammers because they are either just too trusting in general, or have fallen into the infatuation trap, which leads them to ignore all the "red signs". The feelings of infatuation feel so good that they do not want to believe the person is a scammer. Also keep in mind that some of these scammers are very experienced and know what to say to a lonely vulnerable person to gain trust. I believe the tactic they might use is to be very sympathetic and they are probably good at communicating, and of course manipulative.
4.) I believe the best defense against an online dating scammer is to set hard rules about certain things, like never giving out money to anyone you meet online, and never giving out banking info etc to anyone except your bank or other authorities. But, that is not what you're asking lol.
What to look for within yourself? Hmmmm...I would say first the best defense into falling into any dating scam/abusive relationship etc. is to just be independent. When you're perfectly happy being yourself and don't need a "second half" at all, this might prevent you from being type of person that scammers will target. If say the scammer wants you to do one thing and says it will make him/her happy, if you're insecure and needy you might say "yes" because you're afraid of losing them, but if you're like, wtf, I'm not giving up ______ for you, you go get it yourself! lol, then I don't think the scammer will think you're a target.
But there might be a different sort of scammer who, instead of feeding off your neediness and how you're insecure, might feed off your sense of charity, like a "poor you" type of feeling. I'd admit I'm much more susceptible to this sort of scam. I don't even need to love the person, I just need to see how helpless and poor they are. When I'm in a much more powerful position than someone else I feel pity for the poor people with no power and sometimes I'll give them things, ie. homeless person says it's their birthday or whatever and asks for money. This is an entirely different sort of scam whereby the "victim" is not really vulnerable in a traditional sense, it's more they feel pity for the poor poor scammer. LOL. Well, in this situation, it would be much harder to scam the victim too much. Like sure I would give a homeless person a few bucks, but not a few hundred!
Anyways, I'm kind of going off tangent lol. Interesting topic and very useful to know online.
poster:Deneb
thread:1037180
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20120922/msgs/1037222.html