Posted by emmanuel98 on January 9, 2012, at 21:20:07
In reply to Re: Bad title, posted by Wittgensteinz on January 9, 2012, at 14:27:17
Oh god! What we want want want from therapists. It's funny. I love my SW. She is really competent. I trust her completely. I am grateful to her. She has really, really helped me with a level of depression and suicidality that I (and she and my p-doc) was convinced was going to kill me. But I don't love her. If she disappeared tomorrow, I would be sad but not heart-broken. If my p-doc disappeared, I couldn't handle it at all. I have nightmares where I come to his office and find someone else there who tells me he has had a heart attack or stroke, but won't tell me whether he is alive or dead. I dream that I call his office and there is no voicemail. I dream that he has retired and didn't tell me.
Maybe it's because he is the first person I ever truly trusted. Even my husband, who I love, can be harsh and hurtful and I felt I needed to show strength and independence with him -- that those are the qualities I had which he respected. For some reason I let go of all that with my p-doc. I think I had reached such a deep bottom that I latched onto him as someone safe, in whom I could confide. So I told him things about my f***ed up life that I had never told anyone before. He was so kind and supportive and attentive. It felt like having a loving parent, something I never had had.
I don't know. I don't know what to do with all this emotion I have for him. I am grateful for his boundaries in a way. If he were less careful about this, I would have destroyed my life and marraige for him. But sometimes I find those boundaries so painful. I want him to need me. I want to take care of him. I want him to love me.
He says he does not love me in the same way I love him. That he does not need me in the same way I need him. He asks, what would that be like if I did? How could this work? And I get his point, but I can't seem to accept this fully.
poster:emmanuel98
thread:1006771
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20111220/msgs/1006828.html