Posted by Annabelle Smith on March 21, 2011, at 23:04:51
I feel intense fears tonight.
There is the intense fear that my therapist is going to leave. As it stands, I have as long as I need to work with him, but it seems too good to be true, and I feel this fear inside of myself that maybe it is too good, and it will end. Something will happen, and he might tell me we cant work together. I am so close to being able to actually open up and really connectI FEEL it. But its just over the edge of the next hill. I can feel it, but not yet fully see it. I am afraid. I need to just make it a little over another day until my next session. Sometimes I feel so full of these feelings-- a kind of overfullness and almost a hope, yet a hope that cannot be fully embraced because of the fear that it might be there in the end-- that I can hardly sleep. It feels best to maybe just stay up all night. But I end up collapsing exhausted usually around 3 or 4am and can't get started late the next day. Then I am back to my bad sleep habits. I have been doing better with that. Tonight might test that...
A lot of nights, like tonight, I also feel so afraid of death. It is a kind of terror. Sometimes I imagine that somebody might come into the coffee shop or restaruant with a gun and shoot us. I then imagine what it would feel like to be shot in the head. I used to have dreams when I was a kid about this happening. I got shot sometimes, but they would always end before I knew what it really felt like or before I could find out what happened after I died. Maybe nothing happens.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:980876
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110206/msgs/980876.html