Posted by Annabelle Smith on January 21, 2011, at 22:53:50
I had made until today for my session this week, and was counting down the hours until the release and safety of salvation arrive. But I missed a call and found a voicemail from my therapist on my phone telling me that due to the snow and ice we have had that he couldn't make it into the office. He offered me a phone session in its place. When I heard the voicemail, I felt enraged. I totally understand my therpist's situation and would not want him to come to the office in these conditions. But I was still so angry-- I think it was a general anger towards the uninvers and him, insofar as he is part of the whole. I haven't scratched since September, but today I was so angry and hurt that I went into the chapel and scratched-- not too hard or deep, but marks to externalize what is internal and can't be expressed anywhere else.
He called me later at 4 to start our phone session, but I felt awful and couldn't get started or say anything. He told me that he had offered his other clients with whom he also had to cancel today, the opportunity for a session early next week and so wanted to extend the same opportunity to me. I decided to not do the phone session today and instead meet in person on Monday late afternoon. From now to Monday afternoon feels like an infinity-- I am sitting alone in my tiny room tonight. I have bought and am eating chocolate-covered pretzels and have been drinking coke. NOTHING will soothe. I was hoping that writing about it on here might help.
I hate that I am this obsessed about my therapist. It is *literally all I can do to make it one week from one session to the next. After I leave a session, he usually feels present with me for a day or two. But after the second day, and definitely after the third, it is like he is gone. I can't even remember what he looks like. He is absent. And then, at the next session, it often feels like we are starting over from scratch, as if the last session never even happened.
I need to know how to make it until Monday. But I can't keep doing this-- wanting each day to rush by just so I can get to my next session.
I am in bondage-- but I can't leave! That would be what I can't stand.
All I can see is time running out.
This is miserable.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:977638
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101228/msgs/977638.html