Posted by Helana on December 1, 2010, at 13:15:00
In reply to Re: Would you Like it If Your T Sat Next to you? » Helana, posted by sassyfrancesca on November 29, 2010, at 13:20:38
Not having any comfort was really aweful but I guess that's the way I wanted it. Towards the end she didn't offer anything up unless I asked for it and then of course even then she didn't do it if she felt uncomfortable ya kno. I could have asked to sit by her. I could have cried in her lap even (most likely, since I did before) but for some reason I'd rather not. Sometimes I regret it when I'm lonely, but for the most part I'm glad I did it that way. I feel a sense of freedom and independence I've never felt before, ever.
I assume I could go back for a touch up, but she never offered it and I was extremely hurt by that. I know that if I ever get to a point where I 'needed' a touch up I would...but I'm not going for pure desire to see her. I, no offense to her, don't want to give her that satisfaction. I know she owes me nothing and had no obligation to take care of me, but it doesn't change my wishes and wants. It's not that I want her to pay. It's that it hurts so much what she did or didn't do and it seemed that no matter how much I talked about it she never did anything different and I never could get myself to feel different, so instead I just decided to live with it...happily. She will never be my friend, lover, mother, whatever...I will never get what I wanted from her or anyone else. It just won't happen. I will continue to feel the ache of that void probably forever. I'm ok with that cuz I see now how strong I am and yes it hurts like crazy at times but it'll pass and I will be fine...more than fine, I will make something great of my life that actually is a gift and not a curse. My childhood was cursed, but I can change the rest of my life now...and I choose happiness and love and laughter and all the good thoughts I've always wanted for myself and letting go of the pain and lies and guilt that holds me in the past so I can finally live in the present! I have no idea why I just ranted that but I feel the need to share it, so I'm sending it :)
poster:Helana
thread:970337
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101115/msgs/972093.html