Posted by Joes1964 on April 3, 2010, at 9:28:03
This long sorry
Problems I am having in therapy sorry if it is a little random.
As far as what I have been saying to T and why I am going to tell her it goes along these lines.
She had made a reference to her life to help explain a point. We were discussing relationships and amongst the examples she said that if someone she was in a relationship with someone who had cheated she would end the relationship. I have shared enough about myself here so I don't need to go there. I took what she said and it just logged in my mind at first like a random bit of information. As I was driving home I review what we said and that item stuck and I began to count how many times I acted out with another woman during my marriage. I made myself inventory them to remember all of them. At some point during this the shame monster took over again. The thoughts start going fast. At some point I reach for her with a text message but instead of asking for help I end up sending a self hating self shaming text to her. This time I told her how good she is at hiding her real feelings amongst other stuff behind her professional presentation.
No different then one day she was wearing a dress to go out dancing after work. During the session on and off she kept fixing her dress trying to keeping it under control like any woman would with an uncooperative dress. I twisted it into her skin must be crawling being in the same room with me which I text to her how uncomfortable being in the same room with me with her legs exposed.
You get the point. ever 3 to 4 weeks I cycle. during the initial crash about 6 monts or so into therapy I started these texts to her. My thinking gets out of control so fast I am dragged along until the episode ends 4 to 5 days later. I can fake the rest of my life so know one really knows but her. It is always me intensely feeling shame thinking about what she most think of me. I express what she must be thinking of me in the text message. how I will go away. the whole part of distancing from her is so I stop taking it out on her because I have never been able to ask for help when this happens.
This latest incident I pushed a button finally and she said something about her feelings are her feelings we do not have any form of relationship other then therapist patient. I have never been anything but accepting and supportive of you. How Dare You. that and I am banned from texting. She is really upset about the depression. She was very concerned because I wrote a SU note to the 6 woman in my life that can hurt me one of which is her. I wrote those letters two days after she replied to the text
I never want to feel the shame monster again. I feel it I starve it by not feeding it any more. translated I stopped acting out Tuesday. Not very long ago but now I do have a real reason for me for a change that I doubt I will just forget. I don't ever want her to get so angry with me again. I don't want to say to her the things I have said during these episodes anymore. I do not believe the things I say but when in the middle of the episode I say them anyway. I do want her help. Being attached her I projects my self hate into her feeling towards me in addition to my own feelings toward me.
I just do not know what to do. It feels like I have no alternatives but to do what I said here I need to do.
I intend to say the following.
First I need to say I am not quitting therapy but things do need to change. Over this year and a half I have been abusive to you "invalidating you" at the same time the cycle I experience starts. "crashes" This was not always the case but as I started to attach I transitioned to taking out what I was experiencing on you. I do not understand why I started taking it out on you but as I have learned, why questions do not matter. I did. I have learned this past episode what happens to me and why I do these things. Shame becomes a monster for me one I have fed for a lifetime. Easily triggered by you with out your knowing it when I am in the crash part of the cycle. As you have said I am a mine field with shame triggers everywhere mostly when the cycle starts.
I said last week there are only 6 people in the world that have the power to hurt me. All but you I have known for decades and also the four of them do not know anything really except my friend Diane. She I can talk to almost any time I want about stuff. You on the other hand I barely know while you know everything I know about me. At times you say I am not telling you something. If I am not I just don't know myself. I have learned because of you stuff happened that I did not remember thou.
I have made some decisions about how therapy is going to go forward thou I reserve the right to change my mind once the shame monster becomes manageable. First I am no longer going to feed the shame that consumes me. I now have a reason to stop acting out. I know it is still there and will be as devastating as ever for sometime. I just hope overtime it will weaken to the point I can manage. I cannot today no matter how hard I try. I never want to be so out of control that I say the things that I do not believe normally. It is not fair to you and because I both like and respect you. Secondly I am detaching as much as I can this Therapeutic Relationship I have with you. I see no other way to stop talking it out on you until the shame monster becomes manageable. That does not mean that I will not continue to tell you stuff about what is going on and how I feel but it does mean that I reserve the right to not tell you stuff or assume you are there for me when I need help. I cannot allow myself to feel like I can turn to you between sessions when I am upset. It blurs the line too much for me and is not something you deal with well in respect to me. I have ended up overly attached and then feel dismissed when my needs are beyond your ability and or willingness to provide. My not asking straight out that
I need help does not make it easy. Our relationship exists as you have said for one hour a week. More than that is an unreasonable request of you and too disconcerting for me to believe. For now your role is the nice lady that I see on Tuesdays and talk about stuff. If you would like to discuss what I have said today that is fine but after today these decisions are off limits for you to discuss with me unless I say otherwise.This is what I intend to say. I would like some feedback but in the end it is mind to decide.h
poster:Joes1964
thread:941952
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20100303/msgs/941952.html