Posted by floatingbridge on March 17, 2010, at 11:22:08
Finally. I've seen others have them--a shift in mood on or near an anniversary of an event. I've had them, unawares--the time of year my father died, and I've spun out.
Today is my son's birthday. Happy happy, right? Well why am i all out of sorts? I get it! His birth was traumatic for me (not him, thank goodness). However, not until a few months ago did I realize this with the help of my doctor who said it triggered the ever lurking ptsd.
So today, after a night of back pain that kept me fitfully asleep awake, a casual friend says happy birthday mama, you were hard at work on this day, did I remember. How much guilt I have around his birth--the emergency c-section, my freak-out after he was delivered and I knew he was healthy. I thought I was going to lose my mind--really--it was unbearable. Finally, a nurse (thank god for nurses!) say how bad I was and pointed this out to the doctors who mercifully knocked me out. Had I to do it again (which I don't) I'd have them put me under in advance.
I was unable to hold my son in the 'afterglow' moments of birth. The entire fairytale overturned--strong, loving mother; the woman's rite of passage.
I'm a d*mn good mother, given what I have to pull uphill every day. My doc asked me what I thought a hero was. I said, um, I don't know. He said, someone who does what they need to do, against all odds, who cares deeply, who doesn't give up, etc. He meant someone like me. (Someone who might post on babble :-D .)
If you've read this, thanks!
poster:floatingbridge
thread:939811
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20100303/msgs/939811.html