Posted by Dinah on March 13, 2010, at 11:22:42
Tuesday evening, I was thinking about therapy when I had this weird experience.
All of a sudden, it seemed like I was switching perspectives of myself in relationship to my therapist, and even to others. It was like those bad special effects shots from seventies crime dramas, where the camera rapidly shifts from closeup to mid distance to far away, or shifts camera angles. It felt real, but also sort of dreamy. For just a moment I understood what it meant, and it all made so much *sense*. There was a definite feeling that this was very important.
Then after a minute or so, it was gone. I felt shaken and anxious, but the insight had slipped from my fingers.
On the one hand, it was a very weird session. My therapist had just come back from his conference full of energy and almost giddy-happy. He wasn't at all himself. The energy was mainly inner directed, and it was clear that his focus hadn't shifted to clients yet. He said, as he not unfrequently does, some things that some clients might find insulting, and that I usually find reassuring (in that I was sure he was being honest). He knows I find it reassuring, and we generally find it amusing, but it wasn't quite as amusing. And he sort of shared his trip with me, which I really enjoyed. We also talked about me, but since my thoughts were on my reaction to his trip, it all kind of came back to the same place.
But on the other hand, it felt an awful lot like those experiences I have when I am in withdrawal from meds that I call my temporal lobe thingies. Like a short period of time where perception is off, like straight lines look curved. Or like the time when I really really understood what Amazing Grace meant and why I really was a wretched sinner (a concept I usually reject) and why it really wasn't a bad thing. But that was just a few moments too, and then it passed. I think it was like Obsidian's deja vu experiences. For me, those experiences often come with a feeling of profundity and importance. Yet I know that they actually are just a byproduct of my brain withdrawing from anti-epileptic mood stabilizers.
I'm not withdrawing from anything at the moment, and while I'm under stress at work, it's not more stress than I often feel. So a temporal lobe thingy doesn't sound all that likely.
I told my therapist all about it, and he said that it reminded him of that scene from "A Beautiful Mind" where the schizophrenic genius figured out his new theory in a flash of insight that was shown on screen as an understanding coming from.. oh drat I forget. But something about watching people relate? I watched the movie once when it first came out, but it was too disturbing for me to watch again. No of course, he said, I wasn't schizophrenic. But that insight sometimes can come in flashes. He said to think it over for a few weeks and see if it still makes sense. I told him that it already didn't make sense. Whatever insight I had disappeared with the experience. So he said that maybe it was just a brain f*rt.
Obviously it's still bothering me. Because as much as I don't think it meant anything, I have this nasty feeling that it does. And while I don't remember what the insight was, I do remember the perspective shifts. They seemed to be telling me that I'm not who I think I am in relation to others - particularly my therapist. That either my relationship with him (and others) is shifting and my understanding of that is lagging, or that I have been wrong all along. But my insight into precisely how or why is just gone from my grasp.
What do you think? Insight or temporal lobe malfunction?
poster:Dinah
thread:939400
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20100303/msgs/939400.html