Posted by antigua3 on February 21, 2010, at 15:37:29
It has been so long since I posted. I was scared off by the whole Twitter thing.
Things have changed for me so much, and not exactly for the better.
My work situation changed late last year and since then I've haven't seen (or talked to) my wonderful T I've had for 19 years since Thanksgiving. Why? Why haven't I called her? Part of me wants to handle my life myself, and I've certainly had times where I've thought, "Oh, I have to call her!!" but then I handled it on my own and I was proud of myself.
Part of it was that I got really sick for several months and was focused on that, but didn't lean on her.
Maybe I'm trying to stay clear of my mother. My own mother says I have a lot of "mad" inside of me, something she has been saying to me since I told her of some things that happened when I was young (not even with my own father; other horrible things that came out in therapy--with my psychiatrist). My T has always been my good mother, so what's my problem? I'm also surprised she hasn't called me--she always told me she wouldn't let me disappear like this, but she has. Maybe I'm mad at her???
The more complicated, very complicated situation is with my psychiatrist. Due to weather, sports schedules, his traveling, etc., I haven't seen him for more than a month (and no plans to see him for another month) and before that it was the same--six to eight or more weeks between appointments.
The problem is his schedule. He doesn't have time to fit me in. His schedule is full. He told me three weeks ago, time would open up, but it hasn't.
I feel totally and completely abandoned, especially in going through transference with my psychiatrist. He knows this, BTW. This transference is really difficult without ever seeing him.
Also, I think I was tired of the triad of T, pdoc and me, just like being in the middle of my parents. The "he said/she said" dilemma. I don't want that anymore.
I have had a really long haul with my psychiatrist, in many ways, and he helped me open up to myself, to let the memories come forth. It has never been easy; it has been extremely painful, as anyone who has been through this knows, and part of me hates him for this.
I was hoping to resolve my male authority figure issues with my pdoc (it was one of our stated goals when we began this rocky ride several years ago), but we haven't achieved that goal, or my other one, to change the way I feel about my father.
I'm not sure what to do. Calling my T seems like a step backwards, but how could that be? I also wonder if I need a new psychiatrist to get over the one I have???
I think I've changed a lot, and I'm really letting the past go and I am moving on, but... Maybe I'm just lonely, in that I'm used to having one/two people to talk to about what my mind is telling me.
Anyway, hello to everyone, wishing you well.
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:937590
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20100128/msgs/937590.html