Posted by Tabitha on February 18, 2010, at 0:54:10
It's been forever since I felt like I had an actual goal in therapy. We agreed that it's time for me to start believing I may never get any better. She won't tell me this is what she believes, but that she agrees I need to believe this.
It's a last-ditch plan for me. The pressure to get better is killing me. I've had the goal to get better for years and years and years, and some areas are better, but some areas are every bit as stuck or are actually worse. The areas that are better seem offset by new problems I didn't anticipate.
It can't be some stupid trick where I'm secretly believing that accepting defeat will free me up to move onward to victory. It has to be real. I have to let go of my hope of getting better, and grieve the loss. My hope of getting better has been simultaneously keeping me going (because it's hopeful) and killing me (because I keep failing to achieve it).
Specific things I need to believe
- I may never be significantly happier
- I may never have stronger ties to friends and family
- I may never be thin again
- I may never feel smart again
- I may never really be good in my job
- I may never see significant improvement in my mood cycles
- I may never quit being a late-arriver at work
- I may never process my mail in a timely manner
- I may never get my stuff organized
- I may never get my money invested intelligently
- I may keep losing money by not submitting insurance claims
- I may never be able to count on myself to file my taxes on time every year
- I may never get my house and lawn looking spiffy
- I may never quit procrastinating and be able to click along on planned tasksYou know what else?
- I may not feel better for having accepted these truths. I may find I was better off holding onto the false hope. This too, may not make it better.
poster:Tabitha
thread:937291
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20100128/msgs/937291.html