Posted by onceupon on October 25, 2009, at 18:42:56
I've been struggling in therapy lately. I typically see my therapist at the end of a really long (12+ hour) day. By the time I get to her office, I'm usually exhausted and lately, my anxiety has been running sky high. It's been sky high everywhere, so it's not just therapy making me anxious, but it seems to take me forever to settle once I get there. Some evenings I'm literally shaking and my thoughts are all over the place. I go once a week and sometimes it seems like forever between them. I ache to see her more often - in part because I just feel so needy with her right now, and in part because I have a difficult time remembering our sessions and feeling any continuity between sessions. When I brought it up as a wish (in an admittedly sideways kind of way) - she responded, "You get to want that." But she didn't indicate whether I actually could see her more often, and I didn't ask.
Last week, I had an insanely difficult day at work and I was so looking forward to debriefing with her at the end of it. Of course, I got an email saying she was sick and needed to cancel our session. She indicated in the email that she would see me next week. I felt devastated, and then guilty because she was sick, for crying out loud. I called her to ask her to let me know if she had any openings earlier, or a cancellation. I started crying the instant I heard her voice on her voicemail, which is not at all like me. I was *really* stressed.
Now, it's 4 days later, and I haven't heard anything from her, and can't help feeling devastated about that too. And angry. I remind myself that she's been sick, that she let me know she'd see me this week, and that should be enough. But it's so not. I am feeling so tempted to cancel this week, to save my money and to save myself the ongoing ache that seems to get opened up every time I see her. The longer I go without seeing her, the easier it gets to tell myself that I don't really need her.
I don't have much of a question. Just wanted to write down what I've been feeling. Even now, my stomach is tied in knots and I can feel my jaw clenching with anxiety. I hate this feeling.
poster:onceupon
thread:922456
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20091022/msgs/922456.html