Posted by antigua3 on October 18, 2009, at 11:11:34
In reply to Re: dissociation mpd did etc..., posted by emmanuel98 on October 15, 2009, at 20:21:47
I found it was very harsh to be triggered by my psychiatrist's aggresive techniques, but I can't ignore that it opened up a whole world of my childhood that I never consciously remembered. It was shocking.
I don't remember birthdays or holidays from childhood, except for maybe one or two. I used to think I didn't remember anything about my childhood beyond the facts which were more family lore passed along rather than remembering they happened. Working with people that I can trust has made all the difference, whether I find their treatment kind or harsh.
I could never do any of this until I learned to trust. It is the wall that has always protected me from knowing things. I trusted no one. But it was also a lonely life and the weight of carrying the burden finally became too much and I cracked.
I was the sane, responsible one in my family, too, with siblings who led very self-destructive lives for many years. My self-destructiveness was more hidden, but there, nonetheless, and finally turned on me. That's when I got help.
In a round about way, I'm trying to say that you don't have to be alone with all this. You have to take risks and really trust and maybe you will rediscover your childhood. I have, and while it has been worse than I ever even imagined, I think knowing has made all the difference because maybe I can heal.
When I "discover" something about myself through a flashback or memory, my psychiatrist is quick to point out "You already knew that." Technically, he's correct; I can't remember something I didn't know about, but it was all unconscious, repressed. Somehow he thinks this should make it easier for me, that I already knew this, but bringing something into consciousness is an entirely different matter.
Disassociation and depersonalization are tools we use(d) to survive when we were young. While they still get in the way for me, I think of them as a strength in that they protect me from knowing what I'm not ready to know yet.
I wish you both the best of luck, and hope that you have someone or some people to help with this. Pls be kind to yourselves.
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:920965
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090907/msgs/921378.html