Posted by onceupon on October 5, 2009, at 23:09:09
In reply to When the therapist weeps (might be triggering), posted by wittgensteinz on October 4, 2009, at 10:15:54
Hi Witti,
I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling so much recently. I don't post here often, but I do remember some about your posts from your previous suicide attempt and the aftermath with your therapist at the time. I have so many thoughts and feelings when I read your post, and would like to share some of them, if that's okay.
First off, what you're describing sounds like a confirmation bias: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confirmation_bias
I apologize if you're aware of all of this stuff, but it seems like there's such a strong automatic quality to the phenomenon. It's a struggle I know very well, in that I also struggle to trust my therapist, and am constantly testing her in little ways, even though I intellectually *know* that she's trustworthy. I just can't always *feel* it. The gap between knowing and feeling drives me crazy, and I'm also beginning to learn that it has an effect on my therapist. (I was about to write that it frustrates or annoys her, but that would be my own bias at work). It sounds like it has been effecting your therapist as well. Have the two of you talked about his tears (or yours), and how exactly you might be influencing him (even if it seems obvious to you)?
Second, I wonder about how your history with him, especially following your previous attempt, is influencing what's going on between you now. I think I remember him being somewhat cold with you following your attempt (please correct me if I'm way off base here). If that was the case, that would provide for me further information about why you're continuing to struggle with trusting him. Of course, even if that hadn't been the case, that doesn't mean that you "should" be trusting him at this point. I'd say that timeline is up to you. Or at the very least, to be "negotiated" between the two of you, in that you can share with him what helps to build trust and what detracts from it.
That said, I also wonder if some specific reassurance from him that he *would* be relieved for you to reach out to him would be helpful. Do you think he would offer this type of reassurance? Would it be helpful for you? I imagine it as something that you could weave very concretely into a sort of box or container of reminders (to be used "in case of emergency") of the positive connection that you do and have had with him, as well as what to actually do when you're feeling beyond despair. (I ask this while simultaneously filing away the idea of talking with my own therapist about something similar.)
Again, I'm sorry that life and therapy have been such a struggle. I don't know where you live, but for me, the changing seasons in N. America have been wreaking havoc on my mood. As have other things, but that's beside the point. What kinds of soothing things are you doing for yourself? IIRC, you had a partner who was quite supportive. Is he still in the picture?
Take care, witti.
poster:onceupon
thread:919657
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090907/msgs/919883.html