Posted by Garnet71 on September 12, 2009, at 10:58:07
In reply to Re: when I hate myself, sometimes I just have to...... » Garnet71, posted by obsidian on September 11, 2009, at 12:41:48
Congratulations for working up to exercising, eating well, etc. Then the medical problem came along. Without knowing the specifics, it's difficult to tell, but you inferred it ostensibly inhibited your continued progress toward healthful changes you've recently made.
It sounds like you're saying you are totally overwhelmed right now. If your medical problem has dissapated to the point where you could go back to healthy habits, and now you have the ability to continue and you are not doing so, maybe you are right that there is a bit of self-sabatoge going on right now. Making excuses for not continuing your sustainment of good habits is a sure sign of that. I have done that many times-was on a path of regular exercise and good habits-something would happen to temporarily disrupt my progress, then I would use that as an excuse to not return to the healthy behaviors.."well I was doing xyz, then c happened, and I can't go back to...." Even though it was a valid reason to stop at the time, I personally hate that I do this.
It does not sound like denial, at least from my perspective. I can relate to your situation--over the past year, my life in many ways was falling apart-financial, medical, home, school, work...I had gotten so overwhelmed and have developed some odd type of depression where I have no motivation. Sometimes I think it's a dopamine problem or related to prior med use, hormonal issues, but many times I wonder if it is only psychological.
But if fluctuates-I go from doing ok sometimes, to the inability to do anything. I also have anxiety-which is similarily intermittent. Your symptoms, at least from what you've written, also seem to be inconsistent. Sometimes the inconsistent scope of the symptom presentation indicates it could be more psychological (although bipolar also manifests this way). Obviously, I feel no certainty about any specific reason-these are only guesses.
I can give you an example of the psychological aspect of this behavior, although I can only explain this by sharing my own experience. I think sometimes my total lack of motivation is a result of self-sabatoge--a conflict between my core issues and my conscious actions. I've recently begun psychodynamic therapy and realized I have some dependency core issues. This was only apparent when my life was totally falling apart. I, too, suddenly felt neediness with PDocs and Ts. When I read about dependency personality disorder from the DSM, I can't specifically ascribe the traits to my self or personality or behavior. But when I read about some manifestations of dependency in psychodynamic therapy-it fits my behavior. For example, for many years, I sought friendships with authority figures-usually my bosses at work. While dependency personality disorder criteria states passiveness, agreeableness, and doing anything to please others, sacrificing yourself or whatever, are signs of dependence issues, what I read about from the clinical psychotherapy perspective is that a person with clear cut dependency issues can be very assertive if that facilatates the types of relationships sought. This is certainly the case with me-I am very assertive; this assertiveness garnered respect from my bosses-who came to value my judgment and led to trust and ultimately friendship establishment. In other words, I seek relationships with others I feel are strong, protective, and self-assured - mainly authority figures, because it makes me feel safe and protected and/or I'm seeking the protection I never received from authority figures in childhood. I had experienced repeated abuse by several types of authority figures. Yet, I trust people who appear extremely authoritive. This does not make sense if I was abused by authority figures multiple times. But here's an example of self-sabatoge to repeat unresolved childhood issues: I got in a car accident recently - an off-duty cop drove into my car. It was clearly his fault; he just drove into my lane. Because he was a cop, and appeared like a good-natured person, I just trusted him when he asked me if we could handle this outside of the insurance companies. So I did not get witnesses, call the police, etc. He did pay me for the damages, just sent me a check. But now that I've begun to recognize my core issues - I thought, this has to be self-sabatoge. I trust anyone in authority and get myself in situations where I will be screwed over by authority figures. I mean, there are bad cops. This guy could have just said he never met me in his life if he wanted to. I thinks that's a clear-cut example of self sabatoge, though I didn't realize it at the time. I have this problem where I give unconditional trust to authority figures-who I deem helpful, authoritive or protective in nature. When I view an authority figure as weak or incompetent, I just don't like them or avoid them; ex: PDocs who don't help me when they repeatedly give me meds that don't work. I would have never realized this had I not been in psychotherapy. However, self-sabatoge can be very subtle. In the case of hidden dependency issues, you could be suddenly helpless in handling your life, secretly self-sabatoging to get the help of others because you feel you are (unconsciously) incapable of taking care of yourself. I can't give you a specific example of this.
Self-sabatoge can result from hidden dependency isses or other underlying core traits you could be unconscious of. I'm not saying you or I have a personality disorder; I don't feel I do, and from what little i know about you, I don't feel you do either - but understanding the manifestations and behavior of concrete core issues does help in understanding patterns of behavior. Hopefully understanding such core issues can facilate change. Self-sabatoge and substance abuse are related to dependency issues; of course, those things are related to several other core issues. Sounds like you might have some more self-exploration to do with your T?
But-I think "self-sabatoge" can also be a manifestation of extreme anxiety, due to environmental stressors and/or inability to cope with it all. In other words, it's all too much to cope with right now-and you feel 'stuck'.
I hope I haven't misunderstood you or said too much, and I hope this gives you some clues as to some of the possibilities that may be related to behavior. It sucks, I know. Maybe it is just being overwhelmed and will pass. I hope so. Take care Sid.
poster:Garnet71
thread:916442
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090907/msgs/916656.html