Posted by obsidian on August 16, 2009, at 23:46:18
I just need to write, and it's easiest to do it here (in some ways), and because in fact I have a lot going on. My T and pdoc are away. I want to change my meds, my career, my education, my residence. In fact all of this will be changing for me in the relatively near future. It's going to be a wild ride I'm sure.
Today however, my mood is relatively stable, but that will change. Medication will continue to be part of the glue that will keep me together. My thoughts of throwing all the meds out the window will have to wait I think.
As usual, it doesn't make much sense to me to think of myself as someone "requiring" medication. In fact I feel guilty that anyone would think so, that I've somehow led them to believe that by telling them the truth. The truth is subjective though. I am simultaneously hopeful about what med combo might help me attain greater stability...funny aren't I? Mood disordered? I don't know..intense? surely, but who isn't.
I think I need to simplify. Things are too complicated...too many possessions, wish I could just pick up and wander if I needed to, but I know I'm not built like that. I'd never be one of those people who travels out into the wilderness...but I do feel stuck.
I used to think that things would fall into some type of natural order...I know that's not true anymore. I wish I could just forget myself, live in whatever moment there is, but I keep wanting so many things.
Again, I have so many changes coming up and what I have written is so very vague. I can't be any clearer here, but so many changes, not sure if for better or worse.
ah well....
-sid
poster:obsidian
thread:912521
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090730/msgs/912521.html