Posted by catlady on July 29, 2009, at 19:00:52
I have been in therapy for about the last 15 years ago or so give or take a few years. I have had many different therapists. Some were good. Some were just okay. I felt bad about being in therapy so many years but I read somewhere about how it didn't really matter as long as it was helping plus I know quite a few people who have been in therapy for a long time also and their therapists seem to be okay with it.
Anyway I have been seeing my current therapist since last October I think. I have finally got to a point where I could trust her and felt relatively safe with her. Some how today we ended up on the subject of termination. Even though she said she wasn't rejecting me, it still feels like she is. A part of me thinks she just wants to be rid of me. I was getting so upset and I just basically shut down. I wanted to just get up and leave but I managed to stay until the end. She asked me what I was feeling and I told her I was feeling angry, rejected, unsafe, sad. There was other things I could have talked to her about but all of a sudden it felt very unsafe and like I lost some of the trust that I worked hard to build up with her plus I couldn't think straight to tell her anything.
Now I feel like not going back. I feel like just cancelling. I could go a million other places and feel rejected. She told me she doesn't want me to quit until I am ready. I want to believe that she really doesn't want me to quit but I don't. I spent a lot of my life being hurt, made fun of, and rejected by people such as classmates, family members, coworkers, roommates etc. There was so many times I just wanted to kill myself so I wouldn't get picked on or made fun of by people anymore. That is how I ended up in therapy in the first place. A lot of them would pretend they care and act like they were my friends then go make fun of me. I started doubting what was real and learned not to trust people. It took me a long time to learn to trust my therapists and a few other people in my life.
Maybe I have been in therapy too long and should just quit. If I do go back I don't know if I can regain some of the trust and safety that it took so long to get. I do better with therapy, but I don't want to be with someone who I feel doesn't want me there. I don't know what to do. I am so upset right now that I am feeling physically sick. It feels like there is no safe place to go anymore. I have a few friends but I can't really talk to them about anything.
So how long is too long? Should I try to continue? Should I quit? Any advice, thoughts, help, abouty this post would be appreciated.
Thanks.
poster:catlady
thread:909208
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090706/msgs/909208.html