Posted by Daisym on July 10, 2009, at 0:47:38
I want to write about using symbolism in a session. Doing something concrete as a symbol for something else appeals to me but it also makes my practical side cringe a little. I guess I feel a little foolish, that I need "parlor tricks" or something.
But today my therapist had me work with him symbolically and I was really surprised at how powerful it all felt.
I've been struggling a lot with worry about being able to turn men into sexual monsters. I think lots of us who experienced csa struggle with the guilt of it all - the big question of "why?" and we reflect on what our part in it was. And I think the younger you were when it happened, the more mixed up you are about all of this. For me, I feel like I did something "bad" or wanted something I should never have wanted. I wonder about giving off signals - and then I wonder if every man who touches me is going to eventually get angry and turn sex into a some kind of domination and weapon. We've worked on this a lot but it still gets really big sometimes.
Like right now. I had another memory "pop" back - and I'm even younger. So it is pretty devastating to be losing more and more of my good dad. So I have to wonder, "what happened?" What did *I* do that turned him? In my grief, I wrote a letter (did not mail it) to my dad apologizing for whatever part I had in giving off the wrong signals and trying to explain how confused I am about all the abuse and the reasons why. It was just one page.
I told my therapist about it yesterday, in the midst of a melt down. He asked me why I wrote it and what I hoped to get from being the one to apologize. I want to fix it, of course! So he asked me if I would be OK with bringing the letter in and reading it together, so he could understand what I'm apologizing for. I told him I that while I wrote it, I wasn't ready to mail it. I was still in conflict with myself around that. He nodded and said he didn't think mailing it was a good idea because he'd rather we ripped it up. That was kind of scary.
So I took it in today. First we talked about how I always feel like I make mountains out of mole hills and then we talked about the need to take control by making it your own fault. Because you can change yourself, not someone else. And if I can understand it, maybe I can keep it from happening again.
So I read it. And there were things in it I didn't remember writing. Lines that were angry, not apologetic. More conflict. And then my therapist asked me if I could rip up the letter with him. He had a copy, I had a copy. Rip it up and not apologize - because he was adamant that there was nothing to apologize for. He wanted me to begin to let go of the guilt - "just rip up the letter Daisy, it is OK to do this." So we did. And I started to cry - over what? Stupid letter, horribly written and so conflicted. So it was best to get rid of it. But the more pieces we made, the harder I cried. And then we had this whole pile of pieces. He kept saying, "It is OK that we are doing this, he can't hurt you and you've done nothing wrong." It was so powerful to just rip all that paper. And when I stopped, he'd rip again. He said he was taking the pile home and burning it. My homework was to go home and delete the file from the electronic journal. (I haven't done that yet.)
So...who knew doing something symbolic like that would feel so powerful and scary and important? It was a different kind of session - not just talking - but as hard as it was, it was also connecting too. He said, "if it gets hard this weekend, you call me." Not the usual "you know you can call me' but more protective, but not in a bad way. Do I sound confused? It was an exhausting session.
I just wanted to share and I'd love to hear other stories about using symbolism during sessions.
poster:Daisym
thread:905944
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090706/msgs/905944.html