Posted by Dinah on July 2, 2009, at 0:51:07
My therapist refuses to relax the rules in some ways. For example, he's willing to talk to me to help me to complete the assignment, but he's not willing to talk to me in place of doing the assignment. And I might not do it at all, since he hasn't given me a compelling reason to do the oval. I keep saying that I feel no need to do it since my small humiliations are safely tucked away and not hurting anything, and he keeps saying that if that was true, I wouldn't mind listing them.
Which seems like a circular disagreement that is not likely to be solved.
I came up with some very contradictory descriptions of my mom. But he said contradictory was fine. People are complex. Scary. Wonderful. Selfish. Generous. Explosive. Patient.
My father was harder. He was Daddy, and that explains everything. Brooding perhaps. Intense. Loyal. Loud. Funny. Smart. Tall. But those really don't give a very good picture of him. Except brooding maybe.
My family role is easy. Mediator. Entertainer. Princess. The person who was my parents reason for staying together. I'd say good girl, except that might have been a self appointed role. My brother and his friends thought princess was the most accurate. :)
Unspoken family rules is still hard. I did realize that this was likely very true. I remembered that my mother very seldom said (or acted out) "Because I said so!" My therapist asked if that meant she explained when I asked why a rule was there, and I replied that I didn't need to ask. She never said "Give me your hand." She'd say "We're in a busy street and it's not entirely safe. Could you give me your hand please?" Everything was spelled out, with reasons. My therapist laughed and said that sounded very much like how I parented my son. And it was. My father was a blurter. Not that he couldn't be private about some things. He refused to talk about his parents at all. But whatever he was thinking or feeling he'd likely blurt out.
So my therapist said that I could include spoken rules. I've come up with:
Nobody wants to know how you feel. It's how you act that's important.
If you want something done, and you have the ability, you have the responsibility to do it yourself. Because if no one feels strongly about it, it just won't be done.
My mother used to quote two things to me that shaped my expectations of myself and my behavior.
"I am the captain of my fate." and "You have to live with yourself and so, you must be fit for yourself to know." So....
You are responsible for your choices and actions.
The most important thing in life is personal honor and integrity.
That's only four. I'm supposed to have five. I suppose I can include a lesson learned.
Anger is dangerous.
I don't know what mission statement my family gave me. I'll have to check in with him about that.
The mission statement I have now is easy. It is my mission now to leave the world at least a slightly better place to be than if I had not lived, and to be God's hands in this world to the extent he's able to use me.
But at this point, I am still unwilling to list the humiliations of my life.
poster:Dinah
thread:904413
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090614/msgs/904413.html