Posted by Daisym on June 30, 2009, at 20:40:03
In reply to Coping with suicidal thoughts, posted by yellowbird01 on June 29, 2009, at 19:12:51
Sadly, I think I'm becoming an expert on suicidal feelings and the million and one ways to cope.
I think it helps to understand what these feelings are and what they represent. For me, it is the ultimate escape, and probably always was. I need to be able to escape the world and this is in my control - always. I also think, that for me, suicidal feelings and planning is a reenactment of sorts. It is a SECRET from just about everyone I know, it is SHOCKING and people who know me wouldn't really believe I could feel this way and it is LONELY when these feelings are at their worse. Because I can't stand pretending in front of people, so I avoid them. Which leads to more loneliness, which leads us in this giant cycle.
AND-- talking about these feelings with my therapist terrifies me because I don't want him to think I'm manipulative - trying to get his attention, etc. He tells me I over think that part, that I'm *not* a manipulative person and he really needs and wants to hear about these feelings when they are intense. So I try to let him know and usually I say, "nothing I can't handle." We have an agreement around all of this and if he is feeling anxious about me, he calls me to check in. I do the same.
I wrote myself a letter when I was feeling pretty calm and well, which details all the reasons I have to live. And all the terrible things that dying this way will do. I've pulled it out and read it twice - both times it helped a lot.
I write, a lot - and not just journal stuff. I try to write fiction, so that my mind can play out what I'm thinking in fantasy. I also read and escape in to books. Shopping works, so do movies - it I go to the theatre. It doesn't work at home. I write way too much here sometimes, when I feel this way.
And when nothing is working, I outline everything I want to do and why - either in therapy or on paper. Talking about it releases the secret and makes these feelings smaller. I often read everything I can about suicide - once I checked out 8 books on the subject from the Uni library. The clerk raised an eye-brow and I said, "research paper." No more questions. (Read anything by Kay Jamison.) And then I might even set a deadline for myself - somehow picking a date in the future takes the pressure off. Hopefully, before the date arrives, I've worked on it in therapy and canceled or moved the date.
I'm sorry you are feeling this way. It gets to be exhausting. But even if you don't trust your therapist right now, try to talk about these feelings. It will help.
I'm glad you could write about them here.
poster:Daisym
thread:903817
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090614/msgs/904072.html