Posted by Daisym on May 31, 2009, at 1:21:36
In reply to Re: Back to the same yucky place » Dinah, posted by Annierose on May 30, 2009, at 10:18:05
There are two things that I'm wondering about but I'll readily admit to the fact that these are MY issues, so I could be projecting.
I think your therapist's observation that you throw up a wall to protect yourself from her caring might be valid - you are starving but don't trust that the "food" isn't poisoned somehow. The ony way to really know if you are unconsciously doing this is to track what happens after those really good, connective sessions. If you find that this is a pattern - connect then fight - I think that tells you something. And I think it seems prudent to watch and see if it is your therapist's pattern as well. She may react to the closeness as well - by attempting to "teach" right in these moments or make an interpretation that goes no where - she may be intellectualizing instead of emoting, without realizing it. Because after so many years together, if this is the pattern, then she may (unconsciously) be wary and waiting for some kind of push back, which contributes to it. Does any of this make sense? Kind of like we get what we expect because we provoke it. Maybe concretely keeping track of your mood after sessions could shed some light on this.
The other piece is around the quiet responses or silence. Not being seen, or being ignored, pushes big buttons with me. So it makes sense that your anger might be more intense than intended in order to get her attention. She, in turn, shuts down, gets quiet (won't defend herself, as she says) which makes you seek her out even more frantically. Sometimes when there is silence I feel abandoned in it - like I've been psychologically deserted. And that hurts a lot.
All that said, I absolutely agree that different styles interpret behaviors really differently, especially on the intensity scale.
And I couldn't help but wonder, under all of this, if you aren't hurt that an earlier slot on Tuesday came open and she filled it with a new client instead of asking you. This has happened before, right? So you may not really realize it but you might beel dropped or slighted about this.
I'm sorry you are in a yucky place. I hate these spiral issues that we go round and round. It is so painful, each and every time.
poster:Daisym
thread:898357
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090515/msgs/898576.html