Posted by FindingMyDesire on April 14, 2009, at 0:14:11
OK, I couldn't help myself but post. T is curious and asks, "Why now?" in reference to my flare up of crushed out, in-love feelings for her. She doesn't ask in a judgmental way. Far from it. She is so totally open to letting me have my feelings. I can just see her gently trying to nudge me to think about why so intense right now? She even asked me what might be going on in the rest of my life. I pretended that it was her way of changing the subject for me - letting me relax and letting me off the hook a bit. But really she is trying to get at what is going on for me that my feelings for her are, once again, SO INTENSE! I mean, I always love her. I'm so attracted to her - always have been. But why the pain and the torture over it? Why do I feel so overwhelmed right now? I'm so aroused when I see her and then I retreat - so sure that she will run from my shameful feelings out of fear or disgust. She never has. She never does. She just sits there with me, holding the boundaries in a safe and gentle way. She even acknowledges what I say and "takes it in" but I don't seen any reaction. She keeps it all about me. So, what is it about me? What's my problem?
This is such an old topic for me. I say to her sometimes its my "boring topic." But here it is again. I walk around thinking about her all day, every day.
I'm not at all delusional (for those of you who may not know me.) I don't fantasize about her having romantic feelings for me or even imagine being with her or anything. (OK, I do fantasize about it, but I know that's what I'm doing - a sexual fantasy on purpose.) I know this is all about what she gives me in our therapist-client relationship, what she is like as a person in that relationship, and all of my projections I bring to that relationship, etc. She is straight too. I'm a lesbian. That fuels my fire. But I have so, SO much shame that comes along with that desire. I know she is trying to help me sort it out and get to the 'why'. And that just makes me love her more! She is so amazing and caring.
She really is the first straight woman I feel like I can trust to be the real me around. I suppose that is healing. But meanwhile, geez. I'm so full of feelings! I'm out of breath just thinking about seeing her this week.
FMD
poster:FindingMyDesire
thread:890541
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090328/msgs/890541.html