Posted by antigua3 on March 28, 2009, at 12:10:20
In reply to Re: 'Brief Therapy' » antigua3, posted by lucie lu on March 12, 2009, at 12:20:29
I've been trying to respond to this post since you wrote it. I even wrote out a really long reply and then decided not to send it. I wasn't satsified with what I had to say, but couldn't quite pinpoint what the problem was.
So I'm going to try now. While I can't reply to everything, because it's painful for me, I'll just try a little bit.
First, you never speak out of line to me. I always value what you have to say. You may show me something painful to consider, but that's part of getting better. My point being that the pain doesn't have to be determinant of the whole, as it seems to be w/my pdoc.
You nailed my relationship w/my father perfectly, and how my relationship w/my pdoc mirrors it. That is what I have been trying to heal, but I don't think it's ever going to work.
I see it as a constant battle and while I now freely admit that the battles may not be necessary (because I can't win or winning is futile because it doesn't change how I feel), I still can't help but feel helpless and hopeless because I'm being retraumatized in this relationship. It's not what I uncover that is retraumatizing me (and I've uncovered a lot), it's the relationship itself.
It comes down to caring, trust and safety. If I feel cared for, I can trust and then feel safe. This cycle will never be completed with him, and my T is quick to point out that these aren't "inappropriate needs" to either have or be met in therapy. W/him, I feel "too" needy and embarrassed by this, which is wrong. He sees the underlying wound; the little girl is there but he doesn not lend her a helping hand. He'd rather deal with the adult.
It has gotten much more complex since I wrote the original post here. While I feel less like it would be a failure on my part to walk away now, I stil wonder if I'm just trying to run, as I've always done. But if it's abusive, as it feels like it is to me, than I need to get out. I don't think it matters anymore if it's true or not anymore, it's just the way I feel.
I need to find a way to extricate myself in the safest way possible and I'm working on it. I have help--my T, of course, but I let myself get in pretty deep and I have to leave feeling more "right" about myself if that makes any sense. This doesn't mean getting anything from him to make me "right"; It means getting my head on straight so I don't suffer like I have in the past when a male authority relationship has failed. I won't do that again.
Thank you again for your thoughtful words,
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:884897
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090328/msgs/887385.html