Posted by DAisym on March 26, 2009, at 21:26:28
Sometimes a seemingly simply question can lead to such a deep place.
We've been doing some regression work in therapy because it feels like something is shifting between some of the age states. My "care-taker" has become somewhat interesting in comforting another part - and this part, which has held and felt a great deal of the anger, is softening a little. But I really have no idea how to integrate all of this.
The trigger to much of this was a weekend visit with family. The person who abused me was there and it was much harder than I thought it would be. In particular, there was lots of drinking and the smell of this when hugged left me in a dissociated numb place.
Coming back to therapy on Monday meant finally allowing and processing the feelings but I kept "leaving" needing to pull away because it was all overwhelming. My therapist just kept saying, "it is OK if you go away. If you need to be on the ceiling, go there. I'm still right here and I won't leave you." So that was good.
Yesterday he trying to sort out what was going on between all the parts and pieces and what it meant to want to give comfort. I couldn't answer that because I didn't know if I wanted to receive comfort. Here's the simple question: "What would be comforting to the nine-year-old part?" I felt that cold fear...you know where your hair kind of stands up and you FEEL in trouble - you feel caught and it is torture to wait for what is next. It no longer felt safe at all to be with him.
So we talked about comfort in general and how dangerous it was to want that. He asked if we could go back "there" and ask the nine-year-old part directly. It isn't that hard to do the regression part but not editing what was being said was torture. And feeling so young made it impossible for me to watch the clock, yet another part of me was screaming to look at the clock - the result was a major end-of-session melt down.
Today he was up for going back there again, but this time he wanted to try and talk about comfort "after." What happened after an abusive episode? What did I wish had happened? I was amazed at how much I could tell from that young place - how well formed her ideas were about what would have helped. It was amazingly hard to admit the biggest piece of comfort she wanted - and I could tell it shocked my therapist too. I think he expected her/me to say that she wanted a hug or some other soothing contact. Instead she whispered, "I want it not to be my fault. I want someone to say, 'it's not your fault.'" And then I melted into a puddle of tears - you know the kind that leak out and down your neck - geez what a mess.
But he just nodded very seriously and started talking to this nine year old part. He told her that he imagined she was sore and hurting and needed to just rest. And he said it was OK to hang on to her stuffed animal. And he said he wanted to hear about everything that happened and about how scared she was and all her feelings, even the angry ones. Because it wasn't her fault and he knew that. And he was quiet for a little while and then he said, "and I think it would be OK for you to cry lots of tears because your tears remember." Tears were never allowed when I was little - they were deemed weak or over-dramatic. I still felt really little when I told him that I sometimes cried even when my body didn't really hurt any more. He said that was because I hurt on the inside still, even if I didn't remember why. I nodded and told him about all the stomach aches. He said those were from the swallowed feelings. Right then I realized that all the parts of me had gone really quiet and still and every part was listening to him. I was embarrassed but told him this anyway. He said that he would bet that this was because all the parts had stomach aches and all the parts needed comfort too. He told the nine-year-old part that she was very brave to let him comfort her, at least a little. And he said she could keep the comfort, it was hers and it was safe. It was so amazing that he was firm and gentle and talking so directly to this young piece but not condescendingly. He never implied that this was stuff *I* should know already. He was as "there" as I was.
Coming back up, I felt like I'd run a marathon. But it was a good tired. We talked about the guided imagery we've worked on and ways to stay connected and not freak out about having done this work later. I tend to get some distance and then worry about how ridiculous this all must look. He seems thrilled to be working this directly and deeply - although he is certainly cautious about the pile of stuff coming out.
It has been a powerful week. I just wanted to share with those that understand. Can you imagine telling this to your friend? "so today I felt nine years old..."
Therapy is so weird sometimes.
poster:DAisym
thread:887162
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090227/msgs/887162.html