Posted by Tamara Beezley on March 18, 2009, at 3:37:22
Aaarrgghh!! So, I've been in therapy for about 5 years and have been diagnosed with Major Depression and Complex PTSD. My T and I know that I experience Depersonalization and Derealization. I have been under a lot of stress lately and over the last few months I have been dissociating a lot more than usual, although it's starting to calm down a bit.
I have always heard many voices in my head and have often experienced times where I have felt little, or noticed that my personality had changed, or my ideals had changed. These episodes would last anywhere from a few minutes to a few days. I am missing blocks of time from when I was a child. I dont remember much at all between the ages of 5 and 7 or 7 through 12 for that matter. I have a history of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse during childhood and in to adulthood.
In mid-January of this year I made a discovery....I guess. It came to my attention that I had these different personas that seemed to take over at times, yet I still had awareness however I couldn't control it other than to stop talking or hide at home. These personas began to introduce themselves to me and they have names and ages. I understand that dissociation is on a continuum and that everyone experiences some dissociation in their lives, but this is just too much. These states, alters, personas, parts, or whatever one is inclined to call them have shown me pictures/flashbacks to certain points in my childhood where they claim they were "there".
So what's my point? I told my therapist about this and she listened and gave me a referral to a psychologist to be assessed for DD and DID. I did some diagnostic testing and an interview with the Psychologist and she diagnosed me with DID. I have accepted this, yet still go through periods of denial where I tell myself that this can't possibly be happening to me.
My T is now telling me that she is worried about my reactions/responses to the diagnosis and that she is concerned about this being an iatrogenic diagnosis, meaning caused by suggestion. She is not hearing me when I tell her that these experiences have been happening since I was a young child, that I just didn't realize it or want to explain it because it all just felt so crazy. She said to me last week "your really good at hiding it." Excuse me??? I don't feel I've been "hiding" anything. I just wasn't as aware of these issues until now and I'm not Sybil!!! My switches can be quite subtle and the part I consider my host part is the one who usually shows up for therapy and puts on a front around others....some can tell when I am behaving differently, but I guess only I can tell when I switch and that usually isn't right away.
I feel like I'm living in a fog. I experience a lot of micro-amnesias. Now my T is suggesting a second opinion. I have agreed to that and am fine with it actually. I don't care what you call it. DID, DDNOS, BPD, PTSD...crap, call it fricken pizza for all I care, it still doesn't change the fact that I am having these scary experiences. I would really like to find out where on the continuum of dissociation I set...It makes me feel more in control I guess...yeah, it's a bit of a control thing, not afraid to admit it. I know I am going to fall either in DID or DDNOS, but I wish i didn't have to go through anymore of this or have to pay for another professionals assessment.
Anyway, just a rant from someone who's frustrated. Anyone that was patient enough to read all of this, please respond back with any of your comments, suggestions, or experiences. You can even tell me to quit whining...LOL!!
Thanks for reading,
poster:Tamara Beezley
thread:885865
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090227/msgs/885865.html