Posted by FindingMyDesire on March 6, 2009, at 9:21:39
I brought my new portrait photography project idea to my T and survived!
In the scheme of issues, exposing one's creative side doesn't seem like it should be so hard. But I think it is just about the most difficult, exposing, and dangerous thing I have done in therapy. And it was awesome.
I feel just so in love with her. And when we are discussing my creativity my child is totally stimulated too. She is so, so important to me and occupies such a powerful place "over me" (in my mind) that it just feels like her seeing this part of me is like a mini-death. It's like she could kill me with one hurtful word.
She didn't though. Haha. She's not my father who took these opportunities of joy and pride in myself - these moments of confidence and connectedness - and pulled the rug out from under me saying all kinds of rejecting and mean things. I just think maybe he couldn't take it. Somehow any love that I showed for myself threatened him so much. I know he had the same experience with his mother... but it just killed me every time. It really almost did. These moments usually left me under a chair in my bedroom as a kid wishing somehow my head would explode and I would just die.
My T just sees me and witnesses my growth and my confidence and is consistent and caring and holds the space we are in together. She does not leave me. Not to mention that she gave me some kind words of encouragement and personal appreciation of my ideas that even seemed genuine.
When I left her office I had a big smile on my face, which is rare. I was so proud of myself. By the time I got down the front steps I was crying - almost sobbing - I guess from relief. I don't know for sure. The feeling was intense. It felt a little like a combination of completing a marathon, surviving a car crash, and having a huge orgasm. Is that crazy?
Most importantly that was Wednesday night and here it is Friday and I am still connected to myself. I didn't throw the project out, decide never to be creative again, start thinking suicidal thoughts, reject my partner, chew my lip till it bleeds. I have not been seized by anxiety and unable to function at work.
I'll see her again tomorrow. If I can hold this - hold myself - until then it will be uncharted territory for me. If I can walk in there and honestly answer her questions I know she will ask about how it was to tell her about my project and then survive that... that's what I want.
Part of me feels that the rug could still get pulled out from under me. But I think part of me actually "knows" that it's not going to this time. That's so scary to even say out loud.
Thanks for reading.
FindingMyDesire
poster:FindingMyDesire
thread:884047
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090227/msgs/884047.html