Posted by workinprogress on February 26, 2009, at 2:46:37
In reply to WIP, are you OK? (nm), posted by lucie lu on February 25, 2009, at 21:45:02
Antigua, Phillipa, and Lucie,
Thanks so much for your kind responses. You are pretty spot on in saying that it's when it's so hard and so not very pretty that we are really doing something. I started this little phase in my therapy back at the end of 2008.. I could feel it coming on, I told my T that I was hesitant. She said "we've gone through it before and you came out all the better, we'll do it again". And I said, ok, but it's hard to dive in now that I have enough experience to know that it's going to be really challenging and painful and hard.
What's hard is really that linear thing you talked about Lucie (and I posted about it earlier this month). Therapy isn't linear, but that doesn't mean I haven't progressed. Right now though, I feel like I have less of a sense of self than I did when I started therapy. It probably isn't true, but it feels like it, because we've been working really hard at uncovering some self-hatred stuff. And well, when you spend a lot of time really honestly looking at that stuff, you don't tend to feel better about yourself. Admitting it though, looking at it, gives me the chance to move through it and work on healing it, work on acceptance. But, nonetheless... hard, ugly... "holy hell" as you said lucie.
So... I have been feeling like "holy hell" and I've been in what my therapist calls "purgatory"- when you finally notice all of your old not so productive patterns, but you don't yet have the skills to change them. It is so frustrating, because now that I notice, it's something else to feel crappy about or beat myself up about. But... can't yet do it "right". At least it gives me the opportunity to work on self-acceptance. I'm working on saying "oh well, so I messed it up a bit.. oh well".
Alas, that said, I'm doing ok. Talking about it with T the other day helped. She said "I don't care about you any less because of these things, if anything I care about you more, am closer to you, and appreciate the fact that you're willing to look at them". So, that was nice. And I'm exercising more and drinking less... which always helps.
I'm still "messing up". I'm still lonely (been doing the dating thing- insert big raspberry here) and my job still isn't what I'd like it to be... but I'm trying to say "oh well" about stuff and be working on a plan to change the rest.
Ok.. well, that was a bit rambly. But yes, lucie... I am OK. Thanks so much for asking, I really do appreciate it.
WIP
poster:workinprogress
thread:881621
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090214/msgs/882563.html