Posted by petunia on February 19, 2009, at 19:18:56
In reply to Need help answering T's question...need info., posted by AMF on February 18, 2009, at 21:25:11
I am really sorry you are having to go through this.
I don't know what you lost in actuality, but if it were me, I think that the world would no longer be a safe place, I would no longer be convinced I was a good person, life would no longer make sense, all sense of "universal" (or cosmic, or whatever) fairness would be gone.
And I would certainly have lost my innocence and clean conscience: whether I meant to kill anyone or not, someone is still dead.
So actually, you lost a great deal: the part of your identity that used to know you could never harm another human being, your sense of security and safety, your inner peace, your inner sense that things generally turn out for the best. Maybe even your willingness to fully live yourself, to participate in life, because you were so powerfully involved in a death.
And all that's *before* you have a crisis of faith. As in, how could God allow that to happen to all of you? Not just the child, but the child's family, you, your family... People can and do lose their faith over this sort of event, and end up losing God too.
I know the accident is not what you chose -- god forbid! -- but as far as conscience is involved, it doesn't concern itself with the faults of others (the child running in front of you) but with our own faults (the child being dead because of an act I committed, whether in knowledge or in ignorance). In this, conscience can be implacable. That doesn't mean your conscience is actually right, just implacable. :)
The way I see it, you actually lost a great deal. And in a way, your loss is the heaviest to bear, because it cannot be seen. Usually when someone dies, we mourn their loss. But the child (from what I understand you to say) wasn't your own, and technically the loss would be the child's family's loss. But that doesn't mean you weren't very deeply wounded.
You may even think that, because that family's loss is so great, that your own loss is nothing in comparison. I would hesitate at drawing that conclusion.
You could also add for this therapist that, insofar as a life was ended that never really had a chance to live... we all lost. No man is an island, and all that.
I truly hope you regain your peace, and that this event finds resolution in your soul.
poster:petunia
thread:880992
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090214/msgs/881162.html