Posted by wittgensteinz on February 14, 2009, at 5:19:32
In reply to Re: Stress » wittgensteinz, posted by rskontos on February 13, 2009, at 22:34:01
It was nice coming to babble today and seeing people care - that in itself gave me a feeling of being held/being safe.
The thing with the meds is a bit complex. I was on ADs and swapped to this new pdoc (the previous one wasn't very competent). I wasn't satisfied with the ADs - they weren't helping as far as I could tell and switched pdocs in order to come off them (old pdoc wasn't interested in trying something else). So I've come off them and at that point felt quite ok so we left it there. Since mid-January I've been really struggling, so I mailed pdoc to ask whether I could see him and could start a new AD - that was 3 weeks ago, no reply - I then waited (add in many negative thoughts) and finally phoned and he called back last week. In the mean time I still had seroquel tablets from my previous pdoc which were good at knocking me out when very stressed but I don't have anymore now. It's not that I'm cold turkey - I didn't take the seroquel regularly, only when I absolutely needed to and I doubt my pdoc would just prescribe me more without seeing me first. That's why I need to see him, to discuss a good AD and also a good med for anxiety. I don't think this pdoc is bad - he's probably too good and hence has too many patients and too little time to see them - plus I tend to come across better than I am and find it difficult to ask for help. My T found it too long too but now pdoc is on holiday so I won't be able to contact him until near the end of February anyway.
The form is a real pain. I live in the Netherlands but come from the UK. It's a university application but I have to get documents signed from my previous school and university and get 'evidence' of any volunteer work I did during my high school/university education and the deadline is the end of this month so I've had to phone a lot of people from the past asking for covering letters - nothing too bad happened, I just hate phoning and asking for things. It's really crazy how many things I have to sort out for this and they only give you 4 weeks to do so (which I think is harsh if you are a foreign student given how slow the post system is). One question on the form for example is "how many hours of lesson time did you receive for each high school subject" - well in the UK we don't calculate study hours (in the Netherlands they seem obsessed with time) and frankly that was years ago and I don't have a clue! The form is really only designed for Dutch students so I've had to contact them several times asking how I should fill it out with my details and each time they give an inadequate alternative. Plus there's been a lot of snow in England (the most in over 20 years) and so everything has been closed so trying to arrange anything is difficult. I hate beaurocracy grrr - at the moment I hate being a foreigner too - sometimes it's like trying to trudge through concrete.
My T has been good though. He told me how annoyed he got when a few years back he spent a couple of semesters lecturing at a university in Japan. He said in the application they even requested a letter from his primary school (elementary school). Well his problem was that that was like 40 years before and the school no longer existed and he had to post it all off to Japan, so perhaps I should consider myself lucky. He also said to make up the hours on the form - that "they're asking to be decieved with such a stupid question!".
At least my session went well yesterday. It started ominously with my arriving 15 minutes late - train was delayed. When I arrived his wife was standing in front of the front door unloading bags of shopping from her bike. There wasn't room for me to squeaze past so I stood there thinking whether I should offer to help or not - whether that would be intrusive - I don't really want to know what they buy at the supermarket. She ignored me and I felt horribly awkward and waited for her like a lemon (probably she hadn't seen me). Anyway, at a certain moment there was space for me to squeaze past and rang the door bell. At that moment she said "Oh goodmorning! I thought X was already seeing someone" and I said "yes it should be me but I've been delayed". Then he opens the door and laughs at the awkwardness. It was awkward but this kind of thing doesn't happen often - just a thing with seeing a therapist at his home.
In the end, despite the awkwardness the session turned out well - I felt reconnected with him, not that I've been particularly disconnected, but it feels like this stress is bringing out a neediness/vulnerability that I haven't felt quite like this in a long while. I feel ashamed to feel so vulnerable and dependent on someone but he received my feelings and validated them rather than rejecting them, which was comforting. Lately even sitting there with him I haven't been able to escape my stress and have found it hard to think of anything else and be constructive and move forward. I can become paralysed by fear and anxiety at times.
If anyone manages to read this far they deserve a prize!
Witti
poster:wittgensteinz
thread:879955
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090214/msgs/880046.html