Posted by backseatdriver on February 12, 2009, at 11:15:13
In reply to Has anyone ever felt like this?, posted by sharon7 on February 12, 2009, at 10:42:47
Hi Sharon!
My T has been very big on the specialness issue lately.
Seems to me there are lots of ways to be special -- a person can be unique, or unrepeatable, or distinctive, or exemplary, or individual, or special like outliers are special, or .... My point: Even the word "special" encompasses a great deal. The word itself is often not *special* enough to capture just what, exactly, is special about you, or me, or Dr Bob, or anyone ...
In my family, being special was a big problem. I was "special" in the sense of being a lightning rod for everyone else's inner badness. I was sensitive, and responsive, so it was always gratifying to interact with me, and in my family "interaction" included a wide variety of things, many of which were not appropriate for children, or even sane adults. Specialness was a brand, a curse. Eventually I learned to hide myself, to not be special, in order not to attract envy, rage, and hatred. I also learned to manipulate other people's feelings toward me so if I needed more distance, I would do things to inspire these feelings. A talent that made me even more "special," if you see what I mean. "Specialness" is a double-edged sword.
That said, I do believe we are only here for one singular unrepeatable and very special lifetime, and for me on most days it is one that is much too short. I guess this is one "specialness" I really try to embrace, and resist relinquishing. I do feel -- especially with my T, whose approach is existential -- a lot of pressure to relinquish this sense of "specialness". For what reason, I don't know. This marks the limit of my understanding. Is it necessary to relinquish this idea of specialness, of the unrepeatability of one's life, in order to grow?
Yours,
BSD
poster:backseatdriver
thread:879622
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/879631.html