Posted by Sharon7 on February 10, 2009, at 18:40:20
I had to cancel my appt for Wednesday (tomorrow) because something came up, but as luck would have it, my T had a cancelation so I went and saw her today.
I was really hoping today to be able to broach the dreaded transference subject with her. At first, it seemed like there was going to be no way. (I'll try to spare you the play by play of the session. We'll see how I do!) I've already deleted what I'd written at least 3 times because I realized I was rambling and going into too much detail.
ANYWAY... long story short... with about 15 minutes left, I was able to bring it up. Thankfully, the conversation had come around to 'Mommie' (go figure!) so it wasn't a huge leap to go from talking about that, to discussing my feelings for her.
I began by telling her about how I am like ultra-sensitive to any change in her demeanor towards me. Even if there's not, all I have to do is 'think' there is, and it causes this flood of negative emotions (the meltdown) and I like shut down. I told her how much reassurance I need that she's not going to abandon me. I said "I know you don't want to have to constantly reassure me, but.... I NEED YOU TO CONSTANTLY REASSURE ME!" She seemed to understand exactly what I meant. I brought up the whole transference thing, and she was very receptive. She's totally down with it. I said something like "so if you think this (meaning the transference) is something we can work with" and she said "we're going to have to work with it."
I could tell she was delighted I was able to come out and say those things. She nodded and smiled a lot. It was like she'd known it all along and was just waiting for me to be able to express it.
So, apparently she is willing to work with me on my trust & abandonment issues, and I really do want to put a stop to the pattern of my always feeling like I need someone to Mother me. She did say, though, that as the parent, she does get disappointed and frustrated with me because "You're making a lot of REALLY bad choices right now." She said that I was probably feeling that last time I was there.
So she's not going to leave me. She cares about me and really wants me to get better. She did not deny it could be a long process, which to me means she is willing to be in this with me for the long haul if need be.
I did not tell her about 'babbling' but if it wasn't for you guys, I would have never been able to tell her the things I did today. Being able to 'talk' to all of you about this really helped me a lot. Oh, and I was also trying very hard to look at her while I was talking. I think I did pretty good while I was spilling it. I had actually been crying before, but when I finally was able to "jump off the proverbial cliff" I actually felt very calm, was no crying and I did my best to look her in the eye.
I am so relieved we are finally talking about this.
Thanks everyone. I appreciate your encouragement and support. I really made a difference. Just ask my therapist!
- Sharon
PS: Let's see how long this shot of reassurance last me?!? lol. These feelings, both positive and negative, are so volotile, aren't they? (o:
poster:Sharon7
thread:879304
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/879304.html