Posted by shredmetal4breakfast on December 27, 2008, at 11:24:03
Hi, i think i may be rapid cycling right now, in the midsts of some black mania or agitated depression. I don't really know what the heck i'm talking about, I just read wikipedia tho and i'm convinced that this is whats wrong with me, please tell me if anything i've said in here sounds on point, i'll do my best not to minimize or exaggerate. I do not know exactly if i'm bipolar, it would make a lot of sense and every shrink I have had has suggested that as a serious possibility. However I feel like my manic episodes are not pronounced enough. I definitely have periods while depressed that last up to a day maybe two, but sometimes only a few hours, where i feel great, no anxiety, no depression. Sometimes when i get happy im afraid that i'll do something stupid that i'll regret later, for example the other day at work, this annoying girl asked me how i got a certain scar on my face and i told her that i got curb stomped (total lie, should have been an obvious lie) and went into extreme detail and i was laughing on the inside, then i told her i was just kidding, and thought she was being uptight for not laughing. Then three days later i realized how wierd that was. I definitely get the "black mania" and the white mania is more rare, i used to get it in highschool, but now i just always feel strung out and in a kind of frenzied happy that is paranoid and irritable. My states are definitely influenced by drinking and smoking weed and cigs, and sleep, and masturbation. However, in long periods of abstinence from drinking (i drink like a fish), i get tons of energy, and hardly need any sleep. I never even used to think about it, then after i broke up with the girl i was dating at the time i realized i had no energy, and that while i was dating her i was exhibiting strange behavior. LIke i became convinced that i had unleashed evil spirits through tarot cards (haha, yea i know, ha) and that they were following me mocking me everywhere i go. From what i've read, what do you think, am i just a depressed guy that has a quirky side, or am i bipolar, and if so what type. And if anything doesn't make sense, what can i clarify, coz i feel like i'm kind of loopy right now but i'm dead sober. I thought you were born with bipolar, but I'm 22 and I feel like i get more moody every year, am i just reading webmd being a hypochondriac. Bipolar would be an unfortunate but convenient answer, and would finally get me some kind of meds or therapy that help, coz right now its not helping that much, i only feel good and in control in the few hours after i leave my therapists. I took strattera got nothing, ended that after a few months. I took lexapro once, and i was literally hallucinating within 5 days, and my shrink didn't believe me, kept asking if i was on acid or if i was exaggerating, he had a hard time believing that which really pissed me off. But effexor had me absolutely tweaked out. I started lexapro about 2 months ago, took it for nearly a month, then stopped taking it, coz i thought it was making me crazy at first. Then i thought it was not helping because i just got really depressed. My friends were trying to imply that i was getting the placebo effect or was lying, coz it only starts working after it has time while to build up, but i FOR SURE noticed a serious difference in the first 4 days. SOmewhat trippy, including a feeling of dumbfoundedness, like on shrooms, and sometimes i even got small almost unnoticeable visuals similar to the annoying peripheral open eyed visuals one gets after a few days of legit insomnia. Thinking was harder, i got angrier easier. I started taking lexapro two days ago and damn, i feel kind of out of it, and pissed some people off at work where i usually keep a low profile, coz i had this attitude and did not give a f*ck and did not want to be there, being there was giving me an anxiety attack (is this a mixed state coz i went back and forth and experience feelings that seem contradictory, and it was most definitely not fun. However what is frustrating is that i never think any of this while experiencing it and usually only realize what i was feeling afterwards because its all just too much to process, even for obvious emotions, sometimes i don't even realize that i'm pissed, or depressed or happy until later). This morning i was on top of the world, same with last night, but as soon as i go to work, i just immediately lose it, and i would describe it as black mania, or depression (agitated?). And i'll be one for hours, then the other for hours, is that too fast? Is this lexapro thing evidence that I'm bipolar coz I dont' think i should be taking this stuff. Also, i reacted to it strongly and immediately last time, but this time it is even more immediate and even more extreme. the way i'm thinking is similar to the way i think when i'm tripping on mushrooms, and i only started this stuff 2 days ago, and please don't tell me this is a placebo effect because i have physical symptoms that i did not know were side effects until i looked them up and i notice the symptoms while i've forgotten that i'm on lexapro, i woke up this morning with the physical symptoms. Also, i dont' experience flashbacks or hear voices, so what the heck, i should stop taking this right? Please help.
poster:shredmetal4breakfast
thread:871013
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/871013.html