Posted by obsidian on December 24, 2008, at 23:04:33
In reply to Maybe too much for a while, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 24, 2008, at 22:10:14
> Last time I saw the extended family I was very very sick. This time, I'm at least able to fake things.
>
> everyone keeps expecting me to fall apart, or kind of tiptoeing around me, trying to spare me the ... whatever they're trying to spare me from? what's up with that.
>
> My mom says "I don't know where you found the time!!" when I knitted her a red tea cozy. I said (across the room) "you know mom, there was a year when I really didn't do much at all..."
>
> And then UncleX. Introducing me to his daughters boyfriend "Llurpsie's our hero. You want to know why? It's because she survived her brothers. AND her father AND her mother AND she's cool"
>
> He says this while he's got his arm around my shoulder. he's not my bio-uncle. I am not a touchy-feely person. I had been talking about him to T in the past 2 weeks, regarding the lovely way he had of telling me something that absolutely crushed my self-esteem, and made me feel very very unsafe and ashamed.
>
> Ugh. And here he is, asking me again- do you get along with your (abusive) brother? Are you guys friends? (um, can we NOT talk about this right now). Everyone is staring at me, and this damn psychological illness is making it hard to find graceful words to extract myself from this nest of adders. I say "well, I didn't really talk to him for several years, but now he has kids, so we stay in touch".god lurps...does he know that your brother was abusive?? if he does, then the casual manner in which he asks that question disturbs me
>
> And another aunt wanted to know how I was getting along with my dad. Like she wanted to know ALL the dirt about what specific aspect of my father was triggering my discomfort*. Um, howabout being in the same room as him? Within earshot of him? looking at him stumbling up the walk with his cane? I either shrug with malice in my heart, or I say something more directly.
>
> *by discomfort I mean nausea, and images, and episodes that seem to be a bit too close to the surface for comfort.
>
> I have retreated back to this babbleonia. But it's a little difficult for me here too. no matter. whatever. roll off my greasy back, etc.
>
> okay, woe is me.
> And I'm the heaviest I have ever been in my life. my entire life.
>
> -Llyeah lurps..that is quite a lot to be around
I find that often when my family members are in the same room with me that I just kind of space out for a while...and then I'll look at my brother or my sister, and they look spaced out too
because it is just too hard to be there, but there we are together doing the "family thing". It's kind of surreal.
and when the "family thing" on the surface is so very different from the emotional experience of things it feels like the whole thing is just a big play
it's kind of like tea party meets "apocalypse now" or something...and some part of my head is like "oh, but don't you know...this is all so very normal." and then some other part of my head says "what the f*ck?!"
poster:obsidian
thread:870702
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/870709.html