Posted by onceupon on December 23, 2008, at 10:20:29
During my most recent session, my therapist suggested an "empty chair" exercise, in which I was to talk to the part of me that feels stuck in old, childhood feelings. I had been expressing annoyance that I can't seem to shake off the influence of my past, or even to choose what I'd like that influence to be. (FWIW, my therapist has named my mother's treatment of me as a child as (physical/emotional) "abuse," but I still not sure I agree with that.)
It's always kind of awkward for me to talk to, or about myself (or parts of myself) in the third person, but I'm usually game to at least try things that my therapist suggests. But last time, I balked, because she was asking me to address this younger, stuck part of myself with compassion. I can't remember exactly how she set it up, but I remember instantly thinking "I can't do that" because what I really feel is intense anger towards this part, or characteristic.
I paused for what felt like an eternity, staring down this empty chair, and trying to come up with words that fit. Halfway through the waiting, I told my therapist that I could think of the words, but they felt completely contrived, and disingenuous. She encouraged me to say them anyways. I paused again, and then grudgingly said something about how I understood that this part of me felt like it had/has no choice in how it felt/feels.
My therapist pressed me to tell "her" what I could offer her. I sighed, and told "her" that I could offer companionship. But I was thinking, "I can't offer you anything. Go away." Finally, my therapist asked me to describe "her" response to my offer. Disbelief. Because *I* know that there is little I can offer. Or at least it feels that way.
By now, "her" and "me" were totally confused. My therapist asked me how it was to do the exercise, and I told her that honestly, I felt angry about it, because it felt contrived. I think she asked whether I was angry with her, or the younger part of me. And I think I responded both. I say "I think" because things were really fuzzy for me by that point.
The latter part of this interchange, in which I told her how I felt about the exercise, felt like the only useful part of the entire session. The thing is, we've had a lot of sessions in which she prompts me to do something, or asks kind of leading questions about how I might be able to respond to myself more compassionately, or to find exceptions to my predominantly negative views of myself. And I get her point, I really do, but it seems like I often find myself in the position of making up answers that I know she wants to hear, even if they don't fit with what I really believe or think. I do this because I'm a serial pleaser, but also because even *I* get tired of feeling so negatively about everything. Or actually, mostly about myself. I don't feel so negatively about other people.
It seems to often come down to the split between understanding intellectually that I should be more compassionate towards myself (I don't think I've done anything truly reprehensible) and *feeling* it. I feel none of that understanding. In fact, less than nothing - I feel disgust, contempt, annoyance.
My point (and I think I have one) in writing this post was to revisit the general topic of disagreeing with or being put off by your therapist's interventions. I know that I need to talk further with her about this, but I'm pretty much terrified to do so, and I'm not even sure I have the language to do so. Sigh. 'Nuf rambling for now. Back to work...thanks for reading.
poster:onceupon
thread:870458
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/870458.html