Posted by workinprogress on December 17, 2008, at 1:24:18
I'm not sure exactly what to write here, but I know I need to write something. I'm very lonely lately. I'm 34, I want a partner and a family, but it hasn't happened yet. I've had a series of failed relationships- between 9 months and almost 5 years. But- alas, none lasted. It was after my last breakup that I went to therapy and three months after that, started working on ME, instead of just the breakup.
I dated some about 7 months after the breakup, but was still pretty focused on me and didn't take it too seriously. Started dating again this fall almost a year and a half after the breakup. And, well, now I want it. I particularly want it after I met someone I really liked at first, but that turned out to be all the things I don't need in a relationship- emotionally unavailable, unable to communicate, not ok with my feelings, not noticing me or reaching out to me- generally my mom! So, I figured that out in a month and a half and ended it. I was proud of me! I stuck up for what I deserved.
But then, after about a week I wondered: what if I AM too much? What if I AM too needy? What if I AM too emotional... What if I'll never find someone who will put up with me, much less celebrate me..
So, my T says, "that sounds like self-loathing to me, or self-hatred. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to find someone. You're a competent capable adult, you should be able to find someone- so the fact that you worry/think you won't seems self loathing. Let's look at the messages in your head. What do you say to yourself?"
I DON"T KNOW. I find that so frustrating. And I hate the word self-loathing. It seems so extreme. And, what if there's just a possibility that the fates will just have it that I don't find someone? After all, she's helped me set the bar quite a bit higher than it's been set before. Maybe I just don't believe that it's possible... maybe it's not self loathing.
I don't know what my question is really, or what I need help with. Maybe I just want your thoughts and feelings, your noticing, your support. Maybe I am self-loathing. Maybe I do have unconscious messages in my head. Tips on tuning into them? I have a feeling they aren't particularly fun....
WIP
poster:workinprogress
thread:869202
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081205/msgs/869202.html