Posted by rskontos on December 12, 2008, at 22:15:44
In reply to Re: Duh, I see that now..., posted by sparklenfade2black on December 12, 2008, at 19:06:45
Yeah, I have got the DID dx. All I know about is about 5 that have surfaced. I still leave (fugue states) and come back so I don't know who is out then. I have times where things apppear like a tunnel, where reality to me seems like the world is at the end of tunnel, and my T said that was dissociation too.
The ones I do know sometimes I am co-conscious with them. My t has seen them but doesn't really interact right now with them. As he explained this last time it is still to early and the trust isn't strong enough. So he doesn't actively engage with any. When I do leave/fugue (whatever, I am still not confortable, he just calls it dissociate) he just (what he appears to be acting when I come back) is engage me like I am me. On two occasions I freaked out because I did not remember my entire session (a waste of money if you ask me). It upset me badly. I have only known about it for about 1 1/2 years. I have dissociated all my life. I lost so much time as a child, teenager, and adult (20's on). I still do. As a teenager, in school I sometimes would remember driving to school and then being at my car. I would get tests back and not remember taking them. (luckily my alter that was out was smart, I made good grades, I did have a photographic memory then). I sometimes would come back talking to people I did not know. And of course you can't say, who the heck are you. I would just try and ad lib. It freaked me out but I never acted like it. Nor did I seek help. I now thing that is strange. But then I did not think about it. My T and I talked about this. He said it was part of my survival not to question it.
And the years I lived alone during my late teens and 20 was just plain bad. I did stuff not as me that well, is alarming and makes me ashamed. I have tried to tell t, I wrote some in my journal and let him read it, but I can't talk to him yet. It is so distrubing and I usually dissociate when I talk about it. So we wait.
As far the abuse, my mother was mentally ill and my father was just neglectful. My mother was very sick, physically and mentally. She was often cruel and if she wasn't she was ok. But you never knew which was the wind was going to blow. And mostly it blew bad. She had a lot of affairs and took us with her. I don't remember any of this. The cruelty yes, but once it started, gone I would be inside my head. Oh, I did make up some memories, good ones to replace what was really going on.
My sister set me straight on how false those were. And the places she took us, I remember going, just once we got there, I'd check out.As a mom now, I can't believe the things she exposed us too. Now in her defense if I can say that she was sexually abused herself by her grandfather for a long time. Not a defense though, she messed me up and I have been a better mother than she was.
I have been having flashbacks. I have told T some of it. Some I haven't. Some of it isn't clear enough. Faces but no content. The situation isn't clear. But the physical aspects are. One day I must explore it further with T, but he says we will wait until I trust him more to get further into DID and what happened.
I guess more DID will come out when I open up more (hopefully no more will though). So much to tell him not sure how I will.
Sometimes I think I will come unglue to tell him all.
Never told anyone the stuff I do know much less the stuff still buried from me, that the fragmented me's have. Oh well.
I don't know if its bravery. But the telling must get told.
Llurspienoodle has inspired me to be braver and I am trying.
So I am answering your questions. And now I am just going to hit the button before I think too much.
rsk
poster:rskontos
thread:868303
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081205/msgs/868392.html