Posted by 10derHeart on December 3, 2008, at 16:29:08
It has been 7 months AND, strangely (this is spooky but neat) when I see him in his office Monday, it will be 4 years to the day since we met. Anniversary :-)
I am going back to visit where I used to live for about 3 1/2 days. I leave on Saturday morning. First, I will see him at church (afterwards - for a few minutes, a hand shake, etc. - hope I don't cry or act too bizarre...) Sunday morning. Then, and he has cleared two 90 minute times for me on both Mon and Tuesday. (I find that amazing with his packed schedule of clients)
I will see one old friend who just moved to the area, but it would be false for me to pretend I planned the trip for any other reason than to see him. Nearly all the people I used to know from my own church have moved away (military chapel)
and those left I don't know well. No other friends or family back there.I'm not sure why I'm posting this, except that it feels crazy to keep something that is such a huge deal to me, to myself.
I don't know what to feel.
Excited, scared, nervous, foolish for putting myself through this... (probably not a feeling) as I know the grief of parting will be so painful - again :-( But I have decided to bear that because it is worth it to spend time with him and deal with some things.
We are going to do our best to discuss this long distance, free therapy he has been so kindly trying to give me. I want it to change, to be formalized so I pay him and we schedule regular phone calls and make some sort of limits or rules about email. Right now, it's not working for me, and he understands that. Without the "contract" of me paying him and me having status as a real client with "my" times, it is causing much confusion and hurt to remind and ask for calls, to wonder if he doesn't answer an email if he's busy, or sick, or mad.... All that and so much more. Like a wise Babble friend said, it's that he's a really nice guy, who cares about me and is trying to give me something he just can't deliver. Squeezing me in between the "real" clients - although he says he never sees it that way. I hope we can come up with something to try. I don't want to lose him.
Nadezda, if you read this, thank you for suggesting to me a while back maybe we could do therapy this way. That idea has been tucked away in my mind as a real possibility since you wrote it, and I really thank you. I had thought of it before I moved, but assumed he's say "no." Now, after you mentioned it and how things are in our mobile and electronically connected society, I'm not so sure. Perhaps he will be very open to suggestions? He is unorthodox and committed to the relationship, and feels it is destructive to limit contact after XXXX [the T. word I don't use] when someone is so attached, like me.
He is really quite wonderful. I can't believe I'm doing this yet. I have missed him so much.
Thanks for listening......
poster:10derHeart
thread:866489
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081120/msgs/866489.html