Posted by DAisym on November 8, 2008, at 20:00:02
"This message is for Nine. Hi Nine, this is X. I understand how completely freaked out you are right now and how hard it is to believe that I'm going to be there for you. But I am. I'm glad you are telling me everything that happened to you so that you don't have to be alone with it any more. Because you were so alone and so sad - and no one was there for you. But now you are connected to me and even though you can't always feel it, or you feel scared of it, I'm here. I'm here, even when you push me away and I'm not going to go any where. I'll wait - I'll wait until you feel it is safe to reach out for the connection again. I know you are scared about Monday but I promise I'll be there. I'm holding you in my mind, and I want you to feel me with you, keeping you safe."My therapist left me this message today. We had a phone check in scheduled for early this morning to try and cut down some of the anxiety I've been feeling. We've been working on a specific memory - the worst one I have, which (obviously) happened when I was nine. There is this hugely angry part that we refer to as "Nine" and she has been out-of-control needy the past few weeks. It has been particularly bad over the weekends, probably because weekends were so awful for her. The phone check-in was great - my therapist is really good on the phone. But I did not expect him to call back and talk directly to her like that - it surprised me and made me cry. But it also scares me - that he can connect so directly to different parts of me. Is this really OK?
I think what I'm really afraid of is that the safer these parts feel, the more they will tell. And I just don't think I can take *knowing* anymore. And I'm terrified that the anger will get misdirected on to my therapist. Then what will I do? He tells me that the work right now is allowing it all to come out and to feel safe and strong in my connection to him. I work hard to stand on my own two feet and he works hard to help me see that it is OK to need others - not just him - in order to keep standing. I can see how true that is, but I fight it anyway.
Maybe I'm testing him again - can he really hear everything Nine has to tell him?
poster:DAisym
thread:861626
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081104/msgs/861626.html