Posted by happyflower on October 29, 2008, at 18:57:25
In reply to I had an awesome session and I kicked butt today, posted by happyflower on October 29, 2008, at 15:52:55
Something really clicked today, part was my me bringing up this phenomenon of me sabotaging my successes but yet still be afraid of failing too.
I have fought with both my male T about this, they both think I have poor self esteem and I guess with people with pasts like mine, this is probably likely. But I don't, I believe in myself most of the time. But for some reason I screw it up when I get near succeeding and I really couldn't understand why. Well, she put 2 and 2 together and came up with such an insight, I was in awe because neither of my other 2 T's could see this. Well it has to do with my past as a child, succeeding wasn't safe for me, my mom would have to bring me down to her level, with verbal abuse because of her jealously. She was like, what WHO do you think you are, you think you are better than ME? You think wanting to go to college will make you better than me??? You are just stupid and others will figure it out, I don't know why you even try, etc. plus physical abuse. SO i leaned to hide my achievements, I learned to perform at a lower level than I knew I could, to be safe.
So now intellectually I know I am safe, but she says my brain is still giving me signals that it is unsafe to do so. It is part of PTSD. I feel better putting my self down to make others feel better about themselves, not because I think I am lesser than them, but it feels safer. So it sounds like I don't have self esteem, but really it is me trying to stay safe by making myself appear more inferior. I am like DAMN, she GETS it! BUt the other part is when I do try like heck to do well and I don't, I don't know how to handle the disappointment in myself. Why? Because I never tried to achieve as a child, I tried to not succeed. So I never had to deal with disappointment when I tried really hard to do something but failed.
BUt the hard part for me tonight, which I started to have tears in my eyes during therapy was that I have to admit I was affected by my abuse. I WAS ABUSED. For my mental survival I had pretend it wasn't part of my past, like somehow I was shielded by my past. But now, through therapy I can't deny it any longer. It does affect me in negative ways. It kills me to admit this, it is so frickin hard, it is like coming out of the closet or something. She asked me why I was crying and I said it was because I wonder how I would be if this didn't happen to me, I am sure I would be in such a different place. She said that I am now grieving my childhood.She asked me who was in the room with her my adult side or my child side, I said my adult side. She said you know everyone has a child inside too. (who, not me?) She asked me if I was feeling present, and I was, last session she asked this too. I don't know if she thinks I am dissociating, but I'm not, I am just sad. I will have to ask her more about that next week.
She then gave me a book to read of hers, I forget the title but it was about boundaries, something about where you start and where the other person begins. I will write more about it later, because it says so much about me and how I am messed up and this is long enough.lol
poster:happyflower
thread:859755
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081018/msgs/859796.html