Posted by JayMac on September 19, 2008, at 15:07:33
First of all, I just want to thank you all for your babble support. This site can be a great tool when I need extra care.
Anyhow, so I had previously posted about my money issues and not feeling able to speak with my family about it and everyone who responded to my post was very helpful.
I had my appointment with my T this Wednesday. I figured out a way to get a little bit of extra insurance, it's not much, but it will help pay for some sessions with her. I told her about it, and she was supportive, as usual. The previous week we had spoken of possible solutions to my financial difficulties. She knows I'm close to my grandparents. She suggested that I speak with them. Most importantly, she suggested that I can "let my needs be known" to them. She also said, "it will be a real victory for you when you can ask for what you need." I took that to heart! I thought about it the whole week.
Our latest session, this past Wednesday, while she was filling out the insurance thingy, she casually reiterated that if I speak to my grandparents, I can call her to set up an additional appointment (I've had to cut down from 2 appointments a week to 1, and it's been difficult, to say the least). I didn't say anything, I sat in silence and then she said, "it's something to think about. Let me know and we will work something out." That was a huge inspiration: she wasn't pushing me too hard, she was showing me that I had control, and she was telling me that she can help me.
I struggle with asking for help and receiving help. It's very difficult for me to ask for things, especially money. I'm not the type of person to run down others and ask them to turn over their wallets. I'm the opposite.
To continue the story.......last night I spoke with my grandmother. I think she knew that I was struggling. I had passively mentioned it in an email a couple weeks ago. We started talking about the economy, she asked about work, and I started telling her that I was struggling. At first I didn't say why, then I mentioned that I was seeing a therapist and all my money has been going towards that. Then, I didn't mention why I was seeing her, but then I decided that I should tell her. So I told her a little bit of why I was seeing my T (I didn't want to say everything, didn't want to scare her, but I gave her a good picture). I almost started to cry. My voice was cracking, I was nervous. I'm sure she could tell.
Then I said, "You can say no, but I was wondering if you could help me out." She replied, "I am happy to help." Later she said, "I would be heartbroken if I could not meet your needs. I would be heartbroken if you did not feel like you could come to me. You are so independent: going to school, working full time. I worry about you when I don't hear from you. I want to help you in any way possible." Again, I almost started crying.
It was such a relief to express my concern, tell her my needs, and have her tell me that she wants to meet my needs!!!
I don't know if any of you can relate: I grew up in a household where expressing my needs was useless. I didn't feel safe enough to ask for much (at least in terms of emotional support). When I did ask, I got shot down. Thus, I grew up feeling ashamed and guilty for having needs. Having my grandmother (who, by the way, I actually lived with from the time I was 13-18), reassure me that I can have needs was/is VERY theraputic. It's like she read my mind! It's like she already knew what I needed. My T is like that many times as well: I can give her a hint of what I'm feeling, and she will, through the comfort of her presence or her words, help me express it.
I've been praying a lot about this lately, and I firmly believe that God has a huge hand in all this! Thank you Lord!
I'm excited right now. I'm happy to share this story with all of you. I hope one of you can find comfort, relief, support, and love in the possibility that there is at least ONE PERSON who believes in you. I am fortunate enough to have a couple people. Some of you may not see it, but there is HOPE. I know I haven't shared a lot of my story, but trust me that I am a living testimony. =)
Peace to you,
JayMac
poster:JayMac
thread:852945
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080906/msgs/852945.html