Posted by lemonaide on August 29, 2008, at 22:11:35
Tough session yesterday, we did EMDR on my memories of my mom.(1st time) I had to pretend she was dead, because she is still a threat to me, so I had to pretend we were looking at her ashes. Because a body in a coffin could be her faking it, ashes , well are pretty sure she is dead. But the hard part was my brother was cremated too. Even my T's father and brother was cremated too, so my therapy with him must be hard sometimes.
I had to in my mind yell at her for killing my brother while doing EMDR. My throat and jaw hurt so bad. But I felt guilty for doing this, I felt hatred. I also felt a lot of sadness. I had trouble focusing on the EMDR, he had to keep me following. I can say I am no longer scared to cry in front of him.
At first he didn't want to do the EMDR on my mom because I didn't feel safe in real life from her. She can still come to my door and try to kill me or take my kids or kill any of us. This all sounds so unbelievable or something you only see in movies, but it is very real.
She has anti social disorder, both of my T's believe. She is a master manipulator, and had no conscience of hurting others or anything. He was afraid this would be too much for me and finally I told him he was frightening me because he was afraid I couldn't handle it. This was really the only hope I had to becoming better and now we aren't going to do it? Well we did it and all though hard, I made it through. I got a migraine again today through and got some meds from my doctor called in. My T patted me on the back as I left. His brother died not too long ago and he has had a brother die from sucide, so missing a sibling, he understands. He is a very sensitive person and I bring tears and anger to him, because of the what people has done tome, I see it, but I have to know he can handle himself.I also did it on the memories of my mom telling my brother she wishes he would have died at childbirth, that he was nothing to her. I told my T this wasn't as bad as some of the stuff she told us. I truly lived a nightmare, not many can understand the terror I lived. I am glad for that fact actually. I remember her tearing off legs of daddylong legs and telling me I was next. I think this EMDR is helping but it is hard on my body. I slept for 12 hours last night and woke up with a migraine.I have had cold sores on my lips since Tues and zits popping up ( i never had problems with zits even as a teenager) That is 3 so far in the past 3 weeks.
So I don't know why I am writing all of this, thank you for reading so far. This is all so very scary but I have to do it, I want to heal. I told my T in my last EMDR over positive stuff, was that I wanted to progress in my life instead of having the past interfere with me succeeding.
poster:lemonaide
thread:849127
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080826/msgs/849127.html