Posted by susan47 on August 26, 2008, at 17:43:49
In reply to waking up from mental illness...do I need therapy?, posted by med_empowered on August 18, 2008, at 16:10:26
> Its like this: I started my little psychiatric journey as a confused 18 year old. Pills and pills later, I wound up in a mental hospital w/ drug-induced psychosis at 20, after having dropped out of college. I stopped taking meds after the mental hospital incident because I hated what psychiatry was all about...it didn't seem to help.
What was the drug that induced the psychosis?
> At 23 (last year) I tried to return to college. one semester full of paranoia, agitation, mania, hallucinations...I got thrown into the local mental hospital, pumped full of Haldol, and sent home.
> Now I'm 24 and I feel like an entirely different person. I've stopped taking my antipsychotic and my depakote; I just take Klonopin as needed now. I feel so *deeply* ashamed of the self-centered, self-destructive things I did when I was...ill? Is "ill" really even what I was? And, what am I, anyway?**DO NOT FEEL ASHAMED OF ANYTHING**
Whatever you've been through is because you were deeply unhappy and functioning THE ONLY WAY YOU KNEW HOW. YOU SURVIVED. THAT is what's important. You're here now, and you're still in your 20's. I am 51. Fifty-one years of living in hell, 51 years of not understanding, not knowing I am mentally *ill*, that my symptoms describe the sympatomology of OTHER PEOPLE, I Am actually as Normal as they come, but forced to be a round peg in a square hole, living in hell and I SURVIVED TOO.
You have time, lots of time.
FEEL HAPPY FOR BEING HERE, FOR FEELING GOOD.
> I've decided to start over in school. I was in the social sciences, now I don't want to do that anymore. At this rate, I won't graduate till 27, but hopefully my life will be rewarding instead of pointless and painful, as it has been in the past.Your past was not pointless. Painful yes, but look how deeply you think now, feel how deeply you care about life, about your life and the lives of others. Do you care more deeply from your pain? What lessons has this pain all taught you? This is the gold; therein lies the value.
> My friends have all graduated college and have jobs. Some are married. I live at home with my parents and take classes online and hope, hope, hope for the day when things get better. I feel on the one hand like I've matured and can enjoy the remainder of my youth...on the other hand, I feel like I've wasted so much time.
Your parents must be supportive to some degree. How lucky you are. How LOVED YOU ARE.
> My god, I just don't know. My official diagnosis has been changed from schizophrenia to some variant of bipolar disorder (not that it matters). I don't hallucinate anymore, I'm not manic, and I'm certainly not depressed...I just feel like I'm seeing the world through different, more mature eyes. Its good, but its painful, and I don't know anyone who has done the terrible, shameful things I have or who has dealt with what I've dealt with...I'm a diagnosed depressive Bordlerline. I'm alive. I can still enjoy moments in a day. It's not all bleak. And I'm smart. I can survive. I want to live. I want to love. Do you?
Then do it.> I'm just so confused. And alone. No pill will fix it, and honestly, lots of therapists piss me off. In my ideal world I could find a boyfriend who would help me deal with the world, but I don't think that's going to happen for a while.
You're never as alone as you think. There are others there with you, my dear.
>
> What do I do?Live. Love. Learn. Smile.
poster:susan47
thread:847041
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080826/msgs/848466.html