Posted by lemonaide on August 26, 2008, at 13:10:45
Today I jumped on my T and said I wanted to do EMDR. We were starting to do that nervous chit chat that feels good, but just makes me feel like I wasted a session with avoidense.
He wanted to try something different this time. He wanted to know the most recent thing when my mom made me upset. I couldn't think of anything then. I mentioned something she did back in 2000 and we did EMDR on that. It got into some issues, my jaw was achy and my throat felt closed up with a lump in it. I couldn't swallow, felt like I was suffocating. Then I am talking more about what came up,
But then I said, dugh, how about that fact that the child abuse my mom did to my brother in fact ended up killing him back in Nov. Then the physical feeling got very intense and I slumped down in my chair. How could I forgot this? It was so recent. He said it was a way to protect myself in my current world.But our time was up so we couldn't proceed. But he saw the intense emotions bottled up, and wanted to have me contain them in a container till next time. At first I thought he wanted me to put my mother in the container, and I said the only container I would feel safe is when she is in her coffin, 6 ft under.
But he meant my feelings, so we tried EMDR imagining me putting my feelings in a container. But just thinking of those feelings, made it impossible, because I was getting angrier and more tense. So I said this is not working, can I just think of happy thoughts? I am good at hiding those horrible thoughts.
So I did, and he said he thinks my ability to do that is what kept me sane as a child and as an adult.
I feel like I need a nap now. Is there anger inside of me, I think so because those physical senations that come up for me during EMDR, tells me something. No wonder I have problems. How can one not be angry at being abused? I guess someday I will not be so reactive to it. My jaw hurts writing this right now thinking about it. I think I clench my teeth when I am upset. dugh I just need to cry.
poster:lemonaide
thread:848419
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080826/msgs/848419.html