Posted by Lemonaide on July 15, 2008, at 21:16:32
Hi all, most of you know me from another name. I have had to change my identity mostly because both my old and new T knows of my posting here, they have copies of my emails.
I had an eye opening experience this weekend. I was invited to participate in my high school alumni band. Well being in my old school and going past my old home brought up how I felt most of my life. Lonely and sad. Most didn't know, I always had a smile on my face. Well the same feeling is still with me, I am sad and lonely, it is something inside of me that wishes for that can never have.
My T said today that he wants me to get the point of accepting that and to learn to see how it shaped me into the person I am. He thinks this experience of my past life will be a tool in helping others. It was a huge breakthrough to be able to pinpoint how I feel now deep inside and seeing the birth of when it started. (my childhood)
I also realized that me music experience wasn't for much more than an ego thing. I practiced enough to be good, but I had no real talent, and I struggled with that. My life was music and if I accepted I wasn't all that good, then all of me would have been bad because I lived for my music.
It was all for attention, hey look at me. I yearned for attention I never got, and this gave me some. But I was always lonely for parental love and acceptance. No attention would fill that hole that was void from infancy. But I tried my best to fill that hole.
My T is simular to me in that respect only for him it was with sports. He wasn't built as an athlete, but with his strong will he could achieve so much. He did this for his way of gaining attention that he didn't get as a child.By the way, if you are still reading, he is home from the hospital. Still recovering from his very rare virus. He told me that the card I sent him made his day, it was so right on! I am so glad to see him, I love that man. I really do, and not improper either, I love his spirit, I care about him, and he is okay with that. He is planning on meeting in person with my old T, as soon as he can drive. He said he would rather do it in person, considering the sensitivity level of what is going to be discussed. He is also going to tell him his experiences he has had in the same situation. He said this will be learning experience for him, my old T and me. My T is there for me in my corner.
poster:Lemonaide
thread:839899
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080709/msgs/839899.html