Posted by Daisym on July 14, 2008, at 23:57:22
I feel like I'm wrestling with so many things right now. My injury has kept me out of therapy for three weeks - I finally was able to go today. We've been talking on the phone but my therapist went on vacation last week. I missed him terribly and was worried that he wouldn't come back - after all, I couldn't sit in front of him and plead with him .
But he did come back. And today we wrestled with my depression. I've descended into the depths - getting out of bed each day to go to work makes me cry. I'm having a tough time focusing and it isn't just because of the pain. Worst of all, I'm forgetting the stories - I'm questioning what is real. The younger parts of me are very sad - and terrified of being alone with all of this again. It is so complicated -- my family is making it all worse -- so maybe forgetting is the right thing to do. We talked about forgetting, forgiving and moving on today. Shouldn't I just do that? And since I can't get to therapy the way I could before, perhaps this is the time to just let go of that too.
My therapist said that he believes that eventually I'll be able to move on. But forcing it, or having it forced, is just going back to where I was before therapy. Pretending it didn't happen. Keeping it out of consciousness but feeling suicidal without any real understanding of why. He shook his head and said he just didn't think that was healthy. And then he said something remarkable. He said he'll never forget - that the stories I've told him will always stay with him. And he will hold them, and hold me, until I'm ready to deal with them again. Why would he do that? Wouldn't it just be so much easier for him if I just faded away, out of therapy, out of his hair?
We have a phone session tomorrow. I can't even imagine what I should say to him. I did say today that it would be so much easier if he'd just let me stay in his office until I'm healed. That way I wouldn't have to figure out how to come and go. He said it might get a bit crowded at times and he doesn't have cable.
*sigh* too bad.
poster:Daisym
thread:839785
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080709/msgs/839785.html