Posted by 10derHeart on July 10, 2008, at 19:59:54
It's been 64 days since I moved. It's still really hard to accept this is a permanent condition, never seeing my T. in person, and having that be, well, in essence - forever. Okay, *maybe* some day I can afford to go back where I used to live for a brief visit, but that is just a dream right now. Besides, to start the pain of leaving him all over again....hmm. I'm pretty sure I would do it, that it would be worth it, but then I imagine walking away again as I just had to and wow.... So, I try to remember this is life now.
He answers my emails all the time. We arrange a phone call every other week or so. Once, about 5 weeks back, he called me out of the blue one day, and said it was because he had the time and though it would be "nice." Well, DUH - it was more like freakin' amazing! He also called me when my cat died and when I was unexpectedly in the hospital last week. He's so wonderful, and yet....nothing is *ever* enough when you've had that close relationship, in person, for a long time. And, well, when I had to move (okay, I *chose* to move) I was hardly "done" with therapy, not even close :-( sigh.
And my kitty who was my best buddy for 17+ years had to go to heaven on 6/24. It was really sad, and definitely before I was ready, but he was really, really sick. Mostly, I'm alright, but some days..... I know missing animals and wonderful therapists is only a measure of how much they mean/meant to you, and I wouldn't really want to stop the feelings of understandable grief. But they can get so strong.....they about take my breath away for a minute.
Not sure what made me post this today. I mean, what's to complain about? This man is 100% rock solid to his word about staying in touch, and he tolerates every sort of email you can imagine kindly and calmly. Wouldn't so many posters - past and present - whose therapists "don't believe in" contact after therapy is concluded (I don't use the Other T. word) or have been firmly trained it wouldn't be therapeutic to stay in touch - wouldn't they love to be in my shoes? Still, as I've pointed out to him and he totally agrees, in a twisted way it hurts to still talk so often as it reminds me he's there and I'm not, and it sort of keeps the wound open. It's an evolving relationship that we can't explain - not therapy, not friendship - stuck in between, yet really valuable and worthwhile for us both, it seems. One time, after I wrote some angst-filled email about things like: "WHY do you talk to me, I'm not paying, I'm nothing, I'm an ex-client, WHY - are you obligated? Are you sick of me yet? Does this have a time limit? What is this, anyway" And more, etc., etc. - he wrote back and [in part] said; "Nope. None of that stuff. I care about you, 10derHeart, the person. I continue to be concerned that you are so sad and hurt sometimes. It matters to me, too, that you left and I call & write because I WANT to, and I think I will keep doing it." Like I said, he's awesome and he "gets" it and me.
This is just a confusing transitional time in my life, I suppose. At least my name isn't Cheer Bear, or I'd really sound ridiculous today....
poster:10derHeart
thread:839188
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080709/msgs/839188.html