Posted by Dinah on June 27, 2008, at 18:17:25
In reply to I've mailed my T a letter!!!, posted by LadyBug on June 26, 2008, at 13:03:21
Your therapy situation, along with that therapy experience Twin Leaf had, are the most confusing ones I've ever heard of. Because both are in the context of long term relationships that looked very very different until the end. I think I'd be absolutely obsessed with what went wrong. I'd want to know if there really was a change, or if I'd misunderstood the entire relationship. I'd want to know why the change happened, and what it meant in terms of our entire relationship.
Have you drilled her on her perceptions? I do that with my therapist sometimes. I can't stand not understanding why things in the relationship are happening against my will. So I really pin him down on his perceptions and thoughts.
Maybe if you ask her to explain how she sees the last year of your relationship (probably in the context of the rest of your relationship to see if she sees any changes), and then drill down any part of her narrative that you don't understand, without referring to your own feelings at all, you could get a better understanding? Don't try to argue with her or tell her how much she's hurting you (for this conversation). Just ask her questions to help you understand what she is saying.
I can't offhand remember a situation where I've done this with my therapist, but I remember doing this many many times. Perhaps because we're two very different people, with different frames of reference, we were each perplexed with the reactions of the other. Therapeutic theory would have one think that only my perceptions and conclusions should be examined. But that's ignoring that there are two actual people in the room. And both of them are capable of misunderstanding, misinterpreting, and allowing their own life experiences to color their perceptions.
My therapist generally makes me go first. But he will cooperate with the venture once I've shown that I am willing to do it as well, and that my goal is to understand what is going on.
But then I may be overly obsessed with understanding things.
poster:Dinah
thread:836575
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080616/msgs/836848.html