Posted by happee_place on June 14, 2008, at 1:49:58
Im sorry this might not be postin this in the right board. Im new here , have been browsing and trying to decide if i should post about what im about to post. Ive decided too obviously but realize everyone is in a sensitive state of mind and i dont want to put this in the wrong spot so please redirect it if need be.
Honestly this could be posted on any of the following ; Social, Meds, Substance abuse, realtionship, probably writing? I guess im posting this here because im hoping someone can suggest a great mecation for me. Do i have anxiety? Depression? Something bad is wrong with me thats all i know.I just dont know anymore.
Im gonna try to keep this as short and sweet as possible in case someone here can offer some great advice but it might be long.
So ive been struggling with depression on and off for years. Ive had REALLY bad years and really great years. The bads i never thought would end it was always so hard for me to understand how someone could get so friggen low. And the good years i looked back on the bad and thought "holy **** God never let that happen again."
So i worked really hard on myself for a good 4 years 99-2003. I went to treatment (anorexia) i went to thousands of counseling appointments, literrally almost moved into church i was there so often. Finally felt better in 2003 met my husband in 2003, had 2 kids everything was great i figured my kids distracted me and i would never have to deal with depression again and was thanking my lucky stars because if i had it while around my own kids i wouldnt know what to do.
Caught my husband doing meth 1.5 years ago and everything with me has gone to sh*t. Slowly but surley im back to my lowest low and im terrified. My husband is healthy & not using. But that didnt make it better. The trust factor and how it changed me and my ideal for marriage shattered and i can not pick up the pieces im honestly a big big mess.
Through out the years of depression ive been taking antidepresents paxil for 4 then i think neorontin or whatevr they perscribed me in treatment. then paxil then quite then zoloft hated it then wellbutrin LOVED it then more bad stuff happend in my family this year and ive been getting worse and worse and worse to the point im at now. My dr. just switched me to Lamictal (took me off wellb) but its makeing me gain and im trippin on that because im a recovered anorexic. I miss the wellbutrin for that aspect.
Part of me thinks the wellb is the factor that made me such a bitch with such a short fuse but i would take that back to not have to deal with the weight factor.
My biggest concern is my relationship with my husband. I think i resent him so much it is tearing us apart. All that he has put me through on top of his personality which is an avoidance type make me feel like im about to have a breakdown. It seems the more honest i try to be about how much im struggling the more he pulls away and makes me feel like a total freak. Then i let my emotions out (that is ok to do in marriage isnt it?) and he says NOTHING which makes me go to anger quickly and rage not far away. And picture this he = stares at me, doesnt say a word walks away. A day or two will go by, life goes on and nothing ever gets resolved. and so it goes and considering my past and past year and a half im declining declining. Im crying right now because to put this out in cyber space makes it so real even though you dont know me. F"UCK.
Honestly part of me has always thought its ok we are newly married we are working out the kinks he is younger than me (9 yrs) and isnt completley emotionally mature, ill be fine ill just change my meds. etc....
BUT right now and more recently my thought pattern has been consitent in the way of needing to by my favorite diet pill lose lose lose A couple months ago i went to a club and took ectasy something i hadnt done in years. It was amazing to feel that great, to dance all night to let all that crazy music in and croud out all the f***ing constant noise in my head and its the ONLY thing i have been looking forward to doing again as soon as possible.
So dont know where to go what to do from here. I walk around everyday making everyone think everything is just fine then i come home cant fuction cant stop thinking cant stop crying, my poor kids can finally see me coming undone on the outside and that breaks my heart. I feel like a failure as a parent, i cant make myself go to work.
last night one of the worst things happend. my husband came home later than he usually does, not too odd but when i asked him why he was late is what was odd. He eventually told me the whole story but it didnt add up in my heart just like his old bull sh*t stories never addied up. We have worked hard to rebuild trust, i thought he understood if anything ever happend again it would be over which he does know which is why he would lie to me. When he lies its rediculous like if you were sitting in front of me right now i would tell you 'no im not typeing on this psycho bablle forum that doesnt even make sense.' He says things like that calm as day that make you feel like a lunatic. When he 'explained' why he was late each time explaining it it sounded more and more calm and i kept getting more and more enraged it turned into one of those moments we used to have. Its like the whole room fell out from under me and i felt like no f*king way here we are again? But he kept responding with the 'no babe i dont know what your talking about tone and look on his face'
For the first time in almost 2 years i had this sick feeling not a paranoid feeling but like this sick nasty feeling like something in my soul telling me he was lyeing. And i recognized that feeling so well i hopped up and got sick. I couldnt sleep for the rest of the night and cant stop thinking about it. I dont know how much i can possilby take. I dont know what to do.
Its been slow in coming but now i see how big it is - cant stop the snowball that ive always hated in my life so much.
needless to say ***I'M F**KING TERRIFIED.***
please someone tell me what to do.
poster:happee_place
thread:834558
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080524/msgs/834558.html